Lived Experience Forum

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

Recognising that thoughts and feeling are irrational, and trying to change them, are definitely two very different things! I can relate to what you are saying about knowing you could make changes but that you need help. I have a huge amount of insight into my muddle, which is part of the problem in some ways because a lot of therapists find that intimidating. I am fully aware that my issues are fundamentally attachment based. This means that by definition, they can only be healed in the context of relationship. Attachment theory is one of my "special interests" so yep, I could pretty much write a book on why I am as I am and why I struggle with the things I do. But the only way to HEAL the muddle, is in relationship. 

It sucks that your internal critic screams "defective and abnormal." I'm guessing it probably screams a whole lot of other unhelpful things too. Do you have a sense of who your internal critic is (it is totally ok if you don't want to answer that). 

My internal critic screams that I am demanding and manipulative and utterly selfish and difficult and annoying and exhausting to be with and scary. Those are my "bad" words that various people have used to describe me over the years. It also screams that I am a stupid f*cking shit, a stupid f*cking borderline, a f*ucking irritant, f*cking evil, weird and creepy and a monster. That all comes from my abusive psychologist. It is often very very very loud!!!!!

In return, I tell my internal critic that I am atypical and quirky. I tell it that it's ok that I make oopsies sometimes because everybody makes oopsies. I tell it that I am doing the very best that I can and that's all anyone can ever do. I tell it that I am ok just as I am. 

I wonder if there is anything at all that you might want to try telling your internal critic @Former-Member? I wonder if you could maybe try telling it that Phoenix_Rising, CheerBear and Zoe7 super like you...so obviously there must be something super likeable about you

[Former-Member]

Oops. I feel like I've hijacked your mindfulness thread. Sorry. 😕

Insight. *sigh* Insight really can be a curse. Sometimes I wish I was just ignorant. It would be easier and I would probably hate myself less. Being able to see what’s wrong, and understanding why it’s wrong and knowing how to fix, but not actually being able to fix it … *big sigh* That’s not to say that I don’t try to work on this stuff myself, but … I know you get it, @Phoenix_Rising. There needs to be someone for the healing to happen. (By the way, if you ever do write a book, I will definitely buy a copy or five.) 😊

As part of the therapy I was doing, I named my internal critic. I had a huge problem referring to her as my ‘punitive parent’ mode because she is so much more than just the voices of my parents. She is years of bullying and abusive relationships and ‘friends’ and teachers and bosses and strangers and parents and other family members all rolled into one. And me, because it really is predominantly self-hate. So in order to separate her from me—because she really does feel so much like me—I gave her a name and found a picture of ‘her’ so I could think of her as a person/entity separate to me. When I was doing group therapy once a week, plus an individual session with my psychologist, I started being able to challenge that internal critic. It was really, REALLY hard, but sometimes I could call her out and I started standing up to her, standing up for myself. Now I am feeling utterly hopeless again and it seems impossible—mostly because I believe her. I believe what she says.

She sure does scream at me a lot. Pretty much all day, every day. I can’t ever win at anything. She can twist and turn even the most positive things and make me seem like a loser or a monster or both. My psychologist wrote in my NDIS report the other day that I have an active internal critic with which I am fused. Yep. Definitely need some help with that one. 😕

I’m sorry you have a screaming internal critic, too. 🙁 I really do love your use of language and I really hope I can implement myself at some point. You’re super amazing, @Phoenix_Rising. Thank you for being kind and for sharing your helping ideas and wisdom. 😊🌷

[Phoenix_Rising]

Hi @Former-Member,

You didn't hijack the thread. I carefully considered whether to post my previous post here or elsewhere. I decided to keep it here because to me, this conversation still fits with the topic. Having said that, when I made that decision last night I figured you would respond here and THEN I would take the topic elsewhere if we wanted to continue it. Hmmm...nest or TOR, nest or TOR...{flips a coin} - nest it is. Perhaps not tonight though because I've just realised that I'm actually more sleepy than I thought I was. See you at some point in the nest.

[NatalieS]

Hi @Phoenix_Rising @Former-Member @Sahara @Shaz51 @Appleblossom

As usual I'm rather late responding to some of these threads as I don't get much of a chance to check out the forums due to what's happening at home...I agree, the word mindfulness has been tossed around alot by counsellors and therapists, and some people assume after a few sessions of "watch the leaf floating down the river..... "  and "close your eyes and relax all your muscles and breathe deeply..." we're all gonna have the hang of doing mindfulness.  As if I'm gonna feel comfortable in a group, or just with my psychologist and closing my eyes and letting go....that's just traumatic in itself! For someone who is already hyper-aroused, to get to a stage where learning and practising mindfulness is a possibility...well, there's just too much other stuff for me to work on even before considering mindfulness!

Gotta stop now because this is kind of upsetting 

[Shaz51]

Hello @KU777 

[KU777]

Mindfulness is not for me I have to say!

[Former-Member]

@Phoenix_Rising Hope I'm not too late to this thread. 

I think my understanding of mindfulness is a bit different. 

To me, being mindful is being attentive to task I am doing at that time. If I'm stringing beans, it's paying attention to doing the best job possible right then, right there.

If it's driving, it's making sure I'm not being distracted by thoughts, others in the car, music, or emotions, mobile phones off. To be as safe as possible for myself, any passengers, and the others who share the road with me means paying attention to = being mindful of,  where I am in the road, the speed I'm doing, where other vehicles are and the way they are travelling etc, etc, etc. 

Mindfulness is also, to me, recognising the future potentials of an action/ non-action and making a decision about the most effective choice to get the future I'm trying to create for myself.

Mindfulness is sometimes a word I use instead of careful. Saying 'be careful' implies there's a danger and can make some people feel afraid of making a decision whereas saying 'be mindful' simply indicates there's a choice that might or might not be made. 

To me, mindfulness is a whole of life thing, not a few hours a week sort of thing.  

Using this type of mindfulness has been invaluable to me throughout my life. Without it I expect I would have gotten lost in my own emotions and probably driven off a cliff or put something dangerous in the food and done myself a damage. 

On the other hand, awareness of the present is the way I describe managing say a panic attack or a shift in reality that comes from a stress overload. For me, that shift in reality is an internal function triggered by an external 'something'.

Awareness of the breath, awareness of the physical surroundings, awareness of thoughts not being relevant to the here-and-now me are what I use to stay anchored in the present when I need to. 

Distraction is another matter entirely for me. Doing something with my hands with a task that needs my minds' attention is the best way for me to deal with needing to distract from overwhelming thoughts.

That's why crochet is good, Tunisian crochet even better for me, because it requires one to be attentive to the stitch formation, the stitch count (if you don't pay attention, you lose count really easily) and the fabric develops in the hand fairly quickly. 

Meditation can be calming and help with insights into the self and others. To me, again, meditation is something different where the mind is given a task to perform while the body sort of sits out and relaxes a bit. 

I hope this has helped with perhaps a different perspective, I do agree that such activities all too often become buzz words that don't really provide proper meaning or explanation as to what the process they refer to, is.