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Looking after ourselves

Sparkey123
New Contributor

Stay or Go

When do you call time on a relationship with someone with MH difficulties?
My husband was diagnosed with bipolar 4 years ago. He was on meds for 2 years and then took himself off them as he didn't find them helpful, same with seeing his psychologist. After exhaustive research I am concerned the diagnosis was wrong and he's more likely to have a borderline personality disorder. He doesn't agree that he ever had bipolar and suspects it was all caused by the meds they put him on.
Living with him is like being on a bad rollercoaster, there's lots of flat periods where nothing happens and then there's a massive blow-up with huge mood swings, rage, verbally abusive behaviour, then the next day it will be devastation, crying, barely coping, then dissociation - robot-like for a few days then elation for a few days and then back to fairly stable for anything between a week or more than 6 months. His mood is very dependent on my mood - if I'm happy, he's more likely to be ok. I'm like the balloon of a hot air balloon and he is the basket.
 
The problem is, my self-esteem really takes a hit every time this happens. I liken it to someone chopping down a tree - when you get more than half-way through, it takes less and less effort to bring the tree down. The thing that set his mood off this time was that I fell off my horse and broke my wrist. He was really angry at me for 6 days. To combat the rage, I always push myself to the limit, I take over all of the childcare, do absolutely everything I can to make his life as stress free as possible. This time was no exception to this only I was doing it with one fractured wrist.
 
The last time this happened was when I brought our premie baby home. She was very refluxey and between her and her then 3 year old sister they took 100% of my attention and energy. OH couldn't cope - he got a neck injury and we had this emotional rollercoaster back then too, he also decided to put our house on the market without talking to me about it. That was over a year ago. There have been brief instances in between but if it don't antagonise or argue, they blow over very quickly.
 
I know for my own sake there is nothing in this relationship for me apart from the financial security of having two parents working and some help with childcare. When I have needed him most is when he has Always been at his worst. BUT we have a 4 and a 2 year old and he's a good dad 90% of the time. I am concerned that if I leave and only have 50% custody, he will start to take his issues out on our eldest. He seems quite resigned to the idea of me leaving, yesterday he was very matter-of-fact about it, talking about how his future would look. Today he is doing everything he can to be husband and father of the year. I feel sorry for him, as I know he didn't ask for this, but I feel absolutely no love for him and I know I am being really emotionally withdrawn. I know this will trigger him eventually because I'm absolutely emotionally unavailable to him since this happened and that's been a big trigger for him in the past- that I'm not affectionate enough. I feel like I'm walking on eggshells and wondering how long before he blows up again and how long will it take for me to get any kind of love back for him. He made a GP appointment for himself for friday. 
 
Is feeling sorry for your partner a good enough excuse to stay?
6 REPLIES 6

Re: Stay or Go

Hi There @Sparkey123, I want to first acknowledge all of the challenges and struggles it sounds like you've been through and say that I'm sorry it's something you've had to experience. It's such a hard thing, though ultimately a choice it is up to you to make. I know talking it out can sometimes help me start to figure out how I might navigate a hard situation, and I really want to encourage you to reach out for support for yourself, because you deserve that too. There's 1800Respect and Carer Gateway as a few options available to you.  Please take good care of yourself. 

 

TideisTurning ❤️

Re: Stay or Go

This is exactly where I am, and how I feel. 

 

But I am tired of walking on egg shells every morning until I find out what mood he is in. (He has STPB)

 

We have ceased communication aside from pleasantries because if we try to have a proper conversation it ends up in irritation after a misunderstanding. I am currently just saving as much money as I can, my therapist said to me "One happy parent is better than two unhappy ones". 

Re: Stay or Go

I should mention, I have taken two years to reach this decision and many hours talking to my therapist and close friends. You need to talk to someone yourself to dig down and find out your answers xx

Re: Stay or Go

@Sparkey123  my husband left me for another woman when i became ill with bipolar I/schizoaffective disorder. years later he has apologised and told me he regrets it. your hubby needs your support and you need also to to look after yourself.

Re: Stay or Go

Hi @Sparkey123 

I am so sorry you have to make this decision. I have a husband 58, with schizophrenia and bipolar and a daughter 22, with Borderline. Both are offically diagnosed by psychiatrists for the past 5 years, so I have seen the two conditions up close. I think knowing which condition your husband has is fairly important because the treatments and prognosis are so different. A hint I can give you, which may or may not help, is that with my daughter her responses to a particular circumstance are very predictable. eg if I try to encourage her to be more independant or refuse to taxi her somewhere, she will express instant anger, nastiness and can get to rage at me if I keep my position. She can resort to suicide threats and self harm, all aimed at securing my complete attention. So her responses don't vary much at all, and seem triggered by fear of abandonment.

In contrast, when my husband is sick, ie manic or delusional, his responses to an event will be unpredictable and certainly nothing like the normal response when he is well. So I am saying his illness means his responses vary to the same event. External triggers don't bring on a consistent response. My daughter's responses do not vary, because her illness ( BPD) is essentially maladaptive coping skills for lifes stressors. The treatment for BPD is intensive dielective therapy ( a form of talk therapy to help develop control over their thinking and the extreme  emotions their thoughts provoke).

Obviously treatment for bipolar is medication based. I either circumstance the sufferer must want to seek treatment. 

The best advice I have recieved lately on deciding to stay or go was the following 

" You must put your own life on a stable basis, to support yourself independant of my husbands illness. That way your first priority, supporting your children, can be achieved. The next priority, supporting your husband, can then be from a place of calm, where boundaries can be enforced, to protect yourself and the children from trauma."

I am still thinking about my friend's advice because I guess there may be a few ways to achieve this.  

  • All the best. 

Re: Stay or Go

@Sparkey123 @Joonbug @Daisycat 

Hope the range of responses was helpful.  Some counselling is a first step.

 

I walked on eggshells for 16 years with my ex husband and all his associated problems with mental illness.  I could not afford any more deaths in my family and things just got worse and worse for me til my health was a nightmare.  SO leaving and surviving as single mum became my priority.  Not easy, but best in our circumstances.

 

Take Care and take your time to make your decisions.

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