Lived Experience Forum

[Blossom14]

Pregnant with my second. My 22 month old is breaking my heart with only wanting Daddy. When we are alone it's ok but as soon as Daddy comes home I'm just in the way. This has been going on for about a year. When daddy leaves lots of tears. When I leave it's hardly noticed. Breaks my heart. I breast fed til 10 months. This is when it all started. I have gone through everything in my head... To work out what I did wrong..... I have come up with nothing. Not sure what to do. Hate feeling this rejection. It's the worst type!!!! 😞

[GothMum]

@Blossom14

Have you talked about this with anyone yet? GP? Mother/baby nurse? Paediatrician? Whilst many babies do identify more strongly with one or other parent, it is more usual for a child that age to have a strong attachment to the principal caregiver. I am assuming from your comments that you are the main caregiver? And that this is largely why your child's behaviour is of concern?

It is possible that your babe felt rejected when you weaned (Or was weaning more your babe's doing?). But, even then, the aversion you describe is especially strong. Is your child a very needy baby? Or conversely a very active baby (ie one that had much less need for sleep than other babies?) did you attempt 'controlled crying' to deal with sleeping/weaning issues? I have seen some babes become so distressed with 'controlled crying' and other non intuitive or non baby-friendly practices that a baby went from cuddly/clingy to complete disengagement. Has your child been diagnosed with anything medical? Developmental?  If not, are there any other signs that there could be a pathological basis for this behaviour? My initial reaction was a possible developmental disorder. In another 'sphere' I am a breastfeeding counsellor, and I hope you will also post on the Australian Breastfeeding Association website forum, or call the ABA helpline (1300 686 2 686) (If you do, try and provide answers to the questions I have posed here, as it will make it easier for a breastfeeding counsellor to assist you). It is also possible that if you have changed a 'signature' perfume, shampoo or deodorant (etc) or made a significant change to your diet that you might smell different (read unpleasant) to a child who is extremely sensitive to smell; and certainly pregnancy hormones will alter your smell...

You also need support dealing with these issues. Do you have someone you can debrief with about your worries? This forum can be supportive for that; what you are identifying can be post natal depression or the issues you describe can be precursive to PND in a susceptible person. Look after yourself at this time. B group vitamins can be especially helpful with PND and pregnancy worries. Are you able to build in some special times with your child like visiting the swimming pool or beach? Zoo? Children's farm? These activities can sometimes provide special treats that can strengthen bonds between child and a not closely bonded parent, and the activities can provide a setting in which an 'unattached' child can communicate with a caregiver without feeling scrutinised.

I am glad you posted, this is not something anyone should ignore and hope it resolves itself. And these kinds of issues can usually be resolved fairly easily once the underpinning issues are addressed. Be proud of yourself for reaching out. 

[Appleblossom]

I think it is an important topic and glad you shared.  @Blossom14 

I think it takes courage to discuss somoething like this .. often there are endless comptetition stories over who is the most worthy for love ... with many mums and many dads.

I too breast fed and later had a surprising experience of child rejection (not quite the same). At first I blamed myself for not doing enough and kept trying to do more and more.

I think we jump too quickly these days to the concept of what is pathological and medicalise many behaviours that were treated as run of the mill. but it is important to go through possible causes as @GothMum suggested.   Family dynamics also seems to be changing in this world of less children per family.

Not sure if it should be conflated with PND, unless other issues seem to resonate with you.  Keep talking to caring responsible people.

Good Luck

[PANDA]

Hi @Blossom14

How awful that is for you at the very time you are pregnant again. I know what that is like as I too experienced the grief of my first born turning her gaze toward her Dad as though she only had eyes for him. I remember it felt so unjust as it had been I who had met, almost singlehandedly, all of her needs up to that point. As heartbreaking and devastating as it now feels the good news is it will get better. The bad news is it does feel awful while you are in it. We hear this scenario on the Helpline every day. It sounds like you are a dedicated Mum with so much love in your heart. You say in your post that when you are alone it is OK and I am wondering if you can hold on to those moments when faced with this rejection? It is hard to be the parent that is less needed at particular times and this does change throughout various ages and stages of developmental need. It does not mean necessarily that you have done anything wrong. If you can stand in the shadows of your child as they act out their urge to be separate to you and hold their love for you firmly in your grasp you are meeting one of the most important roles of parenting.

Talking this through can really support you and help with these painful transitions. So much about parenting is felt in our hearts but with a heart as big as yours sounds with your thoughtful observations you display all the signs of being the tender and loving mother you fear you have failed to be. Go gently with yourself in motherhood @Blossom14, it is a tender business. Give to yourself the loving care you provide to your child to replenish what you give out and call into the Helpline if you feel you need to talk through the strong feelings motherhood provokes because you are not alone. PANDA Helpline 1300 726 306 M-F 10am -5pm.

PANDA - Suzanne

[Shimmer]

Hi @Blossom14,

Welcome to the Forums! Thank you for opening up and sharing your thoughts and feelings, I think this is an important conversation to have.

It sounds like the last year has been really difficult for you, and that you have been feeling rejected and heartbroken. You mentioned that you have spent a lot of time going through everything in your head to work out what you did wrong. How has that worrying left you feeling?

From my perspective, there is a huge amount of pressure on people these days to be perfect parents, which is of course is impossible (nobody is perfect!) and can leave parents feeling anxious or guilty. Does that ring true to you @Blossom14?

Thank you @GothMum for sharing a number of ideas from your experience as a breastfeeding counsellor. These theories may be helpful to consider, yet I’d like to echo @Appleblossom’s reflection about not pathologising behaviour, especially that we have limited information about. As @PANDA mentioned, family dynamics do change over the lifespan and transitions can be difficult and confusing, especially with one’s first child!

@Blossom14 have you spoken to your partner about how you’ve been feeling, and if so, has he been supportive? Would you consider discussing with him how you could both feel included when he is home?

You are clearly a devoted, loving mother @Blossom14 and you are doing your best in looking after your child, which is wonderful! Please be gentle with yourself as you face these challenges.

Shimmer