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Re: Dealing with denial

Hi camelia,

I just read this dicussion, and I feel for you - it's a hard place you are in. I actually did this sort of thing to my mother some 20 odd years ago, and i now know that 'tough love' is the hardest thing for a mother, because a mother naturally has 'unconditional love', not 'tough love'

My personal take on tough love is this - if you have difficulty with 'tough love' this simply means you are a loving person.

I agree with justanother47y/o comment - you're a good mum.

Have you tried giving Nar-Anon a go?? They run support groups for family members of someone with a drug problem. Here is their site - http://www.nar-anon.org/

Take care and let us know how you are doing

Hobbit.

Re: Dealing with denial

Dear Camelia, I enjoy reading your messages your a good mum.

My ex husband began regular depot injections when he first met me in 2011. . Before he remet me.......he spent times :
In jail
homeless,,
repeatedly kicked out of his units his long suffering parents provided for him.
Using illegal substances and smoking and drinking

He is and was the most beautiful man I have ever met. We went to high school in year 8. He was already showing signs of spending times in mental ill health then. I won't bore you with details.
We remet at the age of 42 years old.
We had always caught up throughout the years...our mothers go to the same church.
He just started having regular depot injections...firstly because of his age, he couldn't be this cunning rebel any more
;...6 months before he had come out of jail for harassing train conductors.
He had spent time living with his father but it was too much. ;his darling father was tossing never to see him again.....it would break his heart but he had to take care of himself. They had both divorced years before.

His mother was in shock when he brought me to his Mum's home for Sunday lunch. They were both over the moon delighted that we were an item. After one and half month of knowing him again, I was working almost full time....he had his maybe first dangerous turn out of maybe 3 previous ' turns' . He just could not give up the drink, it was almost like.....too much water under the bridge but he went to hospital for 2 weeks and came out very fresh and willing to work hard with relationship.
the next month......he allowed me to be at the community treatment order meeting, a group of Doctors, psychiatrists and a member of the community to see how he was travelling with having the compulsory depot injection
It was a terrible meeting that affected him very negatively. Me too.
When we arrived at hospital, he made me promise not to say anything at the meeting so I agreed. We drove into the hospital.. And he bought 3 bottles of wine which he stored front passenger seat, he said for after the appointment but he downed one bottle within 5 seconds. ;I remember being surprised, but kept quiet as this was something that I knew nothing about.
;Now, everyone knows...............,,,,,, not to cause any stress to someone who suffers times of mental ill health,

it didn't seem that anyone in the meeting knew of not causing stress to people who suffer times of mental ill health. psychiatrists were sitting there in a row, It felt to me, a witches attack on one poor dishevelled thin very good looking man who has an iq of 160 but could not justify or answer back to their accusations of him being a threat to the community or their questions.

When he, talked about the care himself..... with diagnosed chronic paranoid schizophrenia....he was stuttering. Scared and repeating himself. He spoke in a loud voice. He sounded frightened but loud. We walked out, when we got in the car... Within 15 to 20 seconds, he downed the other bottles and cried for a few days. He didn't take responsibility for his condition. He is unable to manage his life. I was devastated and we to see many people after that. We decided to change hospitals which Definately changed for the better.
He stayed on the on the depot needles. the day before he was due a needle, he would be really grouchy and moody. for about three days after, he would basically sleep. Poor man. He did work very hard to stay with me. We both discussed what having a compulsory community order means and he was good with having a compulsory community order.


We changed hospitals when it became a lot better, got a wonderful psychiatrist and he is keeping up with his depot injections to this day but his drinking is very very bad for the injections to work properly. I used to be up on all this ...He couldn't have functioned without the depot needle but his main issues were that he cannot manage his own life or function well without a carer. He had issues with being in an intimate relationship and all that entails. He got himself a carer too that was wonderful. But poor man had a huge problem with drink.. And injecting illegal substances which he quit when he was with me. We attended therapy for some time but he couldn't manage his life as he was drinking so much but the depot needle was not effective because of the life he was leading. He was working hard at quitting a life of using illegal substances.as well which...took him 9 months to quit completely but he quit when he was with me.

 

Re: Dealing with denial

Thanks Justanother47,

As usual, you give some excellent insights, which are even stronger as they are based on experience.

Camelia - if you read justanother47's post, yes it's a story of a long hard road, but it's really a story of hope, of success.

I think it's essentially a story of love.

Hobbit.

Re: Dealing with denial

I do appreciate Justanother 47yrold committment to a man she loves and who cannot manage his own life.  I hope that my love and effort for my son yield positive results, but I am also prepared for a lifetime, if need be, to care for him.  

 

Camelia, You seem like a good Mum. Do you feel your son w...

Camelia,
You seem like a good Mum. Do you feel your son would work well in a group living home? My ex husband...I think of him every day and pray and hope that somehow he will get in conversation with someone that will be able to tell him that I care for him. There is an age difference between both your son and my ex husband. Also....what I could work out was that my ex took drugs and alcohol regularly for many years. He also didn't get the right support for years.

Re: Camelia, You seem like a good Mum. Do you feel your son w...

Hi justanother47yr. My son is going great at the moment. Clean for a week and is bright, positive and happy. He is hoping to find a place to live, and more importantly I see his friends on FB are being very supportive. Praying it continues for a LONG time and is not only for the sake of reducing his meds.

Re: Camelia, You seem like a good Mum. Do you feel your son w...

That's excellent news Camelia!! I really hope things continue on this bright positive note.

I'm so happy that you have found some people here to share your experiences and story with.

Please keep in touch.

Hobbit.

Re: Camelia, You seem like a good Mum. Do you feel your son w...

Dear Camilia,
thanks for the feedback. I genuinely mean that.
Remember your role is to be a Mum to be yourself.. you are so important. He might not say anything but you being you is what he needs.

I am mindful that my partner has a mother who does not contact him. He finds it very difficult to understand how I am maternal. I am very loving touchy ....you know. He clams up and well, he deals with it but he never had that experience of having a loving woman in his life when he was very young. when he got older, He chose women who were not loving.

Re: Dealing with denial

Thanx hobbit.

I do know when my ex husband and I were together, the hospitals gave no notice to the carers in his life. I who has known him in my life. I knew him, I even knew when he injected or drank.
the other is something which should be changed.....why isn't there more calls for help in sufferers of mental ill health getting proper help when drunk or using drugs?

Re: Dealing with denial

Hi Camelia
My 17 year old son has been hospitalised with psychosis twice now and he has absolutely no insight at all. He thinks his father and I forced him into hospital and to take medication for no reason and we are the crazy ones. It has been incredibly frustrating and the health professionals we have talked to don't seem to have any answers. Recently while researching how to deal with this lack of insight I came across a presentation on You Tube by a Dr Xavier Amador. It is called 'I'm not sick! I don't need help' It is in two parts that are about an hour each. He discusses a technique called LEAP which made so much sense to me. I am going to try it with my son. It won't be easy because you need to put your own agenda aside but at the end of the day, when we finally come out the other side (hopefully), I want to still have a relationship with my son. I also found the Leap Institute website which has some great information, and a video of a father/son interaction which helped me think about how I could interact with my son without it becoming the same old fight. I hope this helps, I think anything is worth a try.