I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I swear a little bit too! @Jynx. 

Confidence, ease, well spoken, conversational, genuine, thoughtful, comfortable. Stuff that I don’t have and not sure how to gain. I have so far to get anywhere near this. 

Right now I have no hope. I’m sitting here and all I want to do is hurt myself and hurt myself badly. The isolation, lack of care and being treated as a second class citizen is really affecting me tonight. I just wish I was dead. 

[Jynx]

Aww @Captain24 I'm sorry it's so overwhelming. You definitely don't deserve to be treated as a second class citizen! I'm gonna be logging off soon, so I just wanna check - are you feeling unsafe atm hun? Will you be able to make it through the night or is it time to be reaching out to a crisis service? 

Confidence is a tricky one... I almost could make a whole rambly post out of it - or maybe we could do it as a PGC topic, what do you reckon? 

Of the traits you listed, well I can't determine some of them cos we're just typing, but 'conversational, genuine, thoughtful' are all words I'd readily use to describe you 😊

I hope you get some rest tonight darlin, I'll catch you next time. Big phat huggles for you 🫂🫂

[Captain24]

I’m sitting here alone  at work @Jynx so yeah I’m safe just wishing I wasn’t. I’m feeling really low. Desperately wishing my life was over

A PGC on it sounds good. I just can’t always make it. I’d like to do this one though. 

Have a good night. Thanks for the hugs and chatting with me. 

[Jynx]

I'll make sure we give you plenty of notice @Captain24  😊 Thanks for chatting right back! Toodles 💜

[Captain24]

T/W Mentions SH

Hi @Jynx.

I need to write to someone and after chatting last night, I’m so sorry but you are my someone. 

I am tired. I am so so tired. I can’t go to bed until I get a delivery at 9. I am running on empty. I have nothing in me. The exhaustion is next level. My body aches. 

I broke last night. I cried in front of one boss and sobbed in front of the other one. I’m pretty ashamed of myself. The isolation at work finally got me. I know I should have done better and held myself together but I just couldn’t. It was just too much. 

I have come home and just feel heartbroken. I feel like an empty shell. I feel broken. I just want to feel pain. I want to hurt myself. I have SH for the first time in weeks. Now I have that shame too. On top of that it wasn't the release I needed. I need more pain. 

What do I do? How do I do it? I don’t even know what I am asking for. I just need something. 

Maybe the extreme anger the other day was an elevated mood and this is the come down. I don’t know. Bipolar is f’ed. 

Sorry for venting but I just needed somewhere to go. And sorry @Jynx  you were it. 

ps I am safe. 

[Bow]

Hope your delivery has come @Captain24  and your curled up in bed and fast asleep now. Sorry that your shift was rough. I hope your bosses were kind and compassionate towards you and you received the support you needed in that moment. 
💕

[Captain24]

It didn’t come until after 10 @Bow It was my lite n easy so I had to what for it. I haven’t had much sleep, the dogs needed lunch.

Im super tired and I can’t go to bed early as I have a webinar at 7

How are you today? Just letting you my notifications are nearly working. 

[Bow]

Oh that’s annoying that it came late @Captain24  and then you didn’t get much sleep. Do you work tonight? 

im sick! 😩 had a scratchy throat yesterday arvo and woke up with it sore and sounding terrible this morning. I actually don’t feel that bad, can just barely talk. And missed my psychologist appointment today 😞

[Captain24]

I hope that your throat doesn’t get any worse @Bow. It’s harder when we have to miss appointments. Can you do phone or Telehealth? 

[Bow]

I called and asked reception to pass on the message early this morning @Captain24  and then my psych called me a bit later. She has a bit on next Wednesday, so doesn’t think she can see me then. But she did say if I felt I really needed it, to call next week and she’d see what she could do. 
It’s just frustrating that there is kind of this expectation that we follow up in our individual therapy stuff we are doing in my schema group and it’s hard enough only having fortnightly therapy and group is weekly. 
My SW is still willing to come see me tomorrow as long as I feel up to it, so that’s good.