I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I don’t think it’s something I can do all the time @Jynx. I might need a nudge occasionally! 

I did write about how shutdown and numb I’m feeling but even writing it I couldn’t get to the under lying feelings. 

[Jynx]

We all need a nudge here n there hey @Captain24!! And yeah like it doesn't have to be a daily habit for it to be a habit. Like I'm imagining it more in the context of like... it becoming instinct instead. For example, I'd say it has become habit when it is the first thing you reach for when feeling distressed, something you don't even have to think about or remember. Am I making sense? 😅

Well that's okay darlin, shut down and numbness are our brain's way of protecting us when feelings are too much. Might be that you're not quite ready to process those feelings yet! Was it that you couldn't really name the feelings to be able to write them down, or more that the feelings were Too Big and you couldn't bring yourself to put em in ink?

[Captain24]

Makes complete sense @Jynx 

I don’t know what is under my numbness. I think there is big stuff but I don’t. I can’t find and I can’t feel it. It’s like my head is blank. My body is empty. 

Im hoping I can find it in the morning. I meet with my psychiatrist and psychologist tomorrow. I need to be able to drop that mask. I need them to see ‘me’

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aye I imagine it'll become more clear. Perhaps that is itself something to chat to your psych about - accessing those deeper emotions safely!

Let me know how you go? I'm off for now but would love to hear about it tomorrow 😊 Night night chook, rest well!! 🫂🫂

[Captain24]

I’ve just had a 2 hour psych appointment and a 45 minute Pdoc appointment. I’m exhausted @Jynx 

[Jynx]

Oh wow, yeah I bet @Captain24!! How are you feeling about how the appts went, were they lucrative? 

[Ru-bee]

That does sound like it's a big day @Captain24 do you have some time to rest tonight?

[Captain24]

It’s the first time I have left a psych appointment feeling like we got somewhere. @Jynx @Ru-bee. It’s the first time anyone has done safety planning with me. We were also working on what to do when I go home. How to make my house a safe place. I also ended up being relaxed with her. I nearly cried. 

I said with the way work is that I wouldn’t see her for a month so she made an appointment to see me next week as I’ll still be in here. She wants to see my more often so I need to work out times so I might be able to see her when I’m sleeping for nightshift.

My Pdoc appointment was really good too. She has approved my discharge for next Wednesday. So I have a week and a day to go!!! She has given me a walk that I have to do on the weekend. She has upped my sleeping meds in the hope that I can get to sleep. She was happy that I have walked every morning to the beach and back. Even up the steep hills. 

I am tired so I’m just waiting until 7 to get my meds. Hopefully the increase puts me to sleep instead of keeping me awake. 

There isn’t much to do of a night in here. So I’m just lying in my room on my bed. I’ve finished all the Lego and diamond art that I bought. I do have an origami kit to try by I think I’m to tired to concentrate on it.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 aww yisss so so happy for you hun!! It makes SUCH a difference having someone with whom you feel safe, hey! 

Oh noooo out of art things, that's like a nightmare! Any good books or anything like that there you can get stuck into?

[Captain24]

She was an amazing facilitator and even better psych @Jynx I feel so safe. I nearly told her about yesterday but I stopped because she would have had to report it. I didn’t want to be stuck in here with no leave. 

I feel so much better after talking to her. It’s like a weight has been lifted off my shoulders. I can’t sing her praises high enough. 

If I go down the street tomorrow afternoon I’ll go and have a look at the book shop. I have to for my psych as well. I need to use my front room for regulating myself. I need to use it for reading.