I can’t cope

[tyme]

I had a very emotional day on Friday and needed some time off @Captain24 . But I'm in a better place and will tackle what I need to tomorrow. 

I can't go too much into it, but I have made a big decision in my life and will be stepping away from something I have worked hard at for over 10 years. As hard as the decision is, I feel this is the right one. So it's sort of bitter sweet. 

I am ready for the challenges that will arise, and feel I am at full peace with the decision I have made. 

At this stage, I don't know what the future will hold, but I'm ready for it (I'm not leaving SANE or anything). 

Sorry this is a bit vague. But as I said, it's taken an emotional toll on me.

I'm am so pleased to hear that you are surviving and doing what you can to stay well while being away. Hope you can tune out when you need to, and that your bro's dog is not traumatizing Pix!!!

[Captain24]

It’s hard to make a change after 10 years and leaves things with uncertainty. @tyme. 

Even though it’s a tough decision if you feel that it’s the right one, hopefully you can face the aftermath. 

The most important thing is you MH. I know how much you have struggled with it in the past and I’ve been noticing glimpses of it. The most important person in this situation is you. 

Im here to listen even vague as there is only so much you can say. I just want you to know that you have my support. 

Please don’t leave SANE ever!!! We need you. 

Mum and Dad have had a few moments. But I’m doing my best to not take it one. I just zone out when one is criticising the other. It’s hard but I need to look after myself. 

My brother was really good at dinner. He was nice to me and so he should be after me helping him out. Nothing was mention as mum doesn’t know. 

Im swimming mindfully. I notice what it’s like floating through the waves when I’m out past the breakers. I notice the roll of breakers running over my back when I dive under them. Then I lay in the sun just watching. I do my best to just clear my head. 

[tyme]

No, I'm not leaving SANE unless they get rid of me lol @Captain24 

I really appreciate your post. It means so much to me at that time. And just to read that your brother has been kind to you and that you have been swimming mindfully is just so amazing. Thank you for sharing. 

As we've concluded, your parents aren't going to change. Hence it's about what we do to keep our sanity....

[avant-garde]

Just jumping in here to do this

*runs up to @tyme and gives her the biggest hug I can manage*

If @Jynx is the big sister, you're the grandmother, you have that kind of feel to me

Ok that is all

[Captain24]

I am tired @tyme. I have to make all decisions. What to do. Where to go. What to eat. Where to eat. What time to eat. It’s getting draining. If I make a decision that they don’t want to do the pipe up and say ‘I thought we could do this…’ I just want to say ‘why f@cking ask me then!!!’ Instead I just so ok. 

Im also going to bed earlier than they do. I go about 10 they go to bed around 11:30.

Im scared that this is not ok… please edit it as needed. 

My mind is really harsh still. But I’m really trying hard to ignore it so I can enjoy my time away and I mostly am. 

[tyme]

Hey @avant-garde , Thanks so much. Needed it today. Hope your day was okay.

@Captain24 , it's strange how they ask you everything, yet they also have their own mind... such a unique experience. Do you think you'd get upset if they made all the choices and didn't ask you? Or are you hoping that it's more of a combined effort?

[Captain24]

They are hard to deal with. @tyme. I prefer a combined effort. There is things that I wanted to do like go to Bunnings, spotlight and Kmart. I just have Kmart to go. 

I have brought a small trinket box that I want to try and mosaic. Seeing if I have learnt anything from the kits I’ve done. I’ve also got placemat moulds to make with resin. I also got a coping board to try and do the resin that you see on the board. I’ve spent a lot of money but just want to try this stuff. 

I also saw at Bunnings an adjustable metal, 5 shelve flat pack. I can’t fit in the car though. Mum is going to have a look when she goes to an appointment when we get back hoping that that town has them. It’ll be awesome for my Lego! I can put it in the spare room.

[tyme]

Why do you need to do your shopping while on holidays? Is it because you don't have those shops around you? 

You know what I saw at someone's house last week? They had these white bookshelves. Then the secured see through doors to it so now it looks like a cabinet! It looked so awesome! Then they put their lego in there.

I have a cabinet that has a light. I put my nephew's lego in there. He's making a shark at the moment. My niece went to her friend's house today and my nephew was upset. So my sister phoned me and said loudly "Oh! You have a surprise for [my nephew]...!" 

In my head, I'm thinking "What are you talking about?"

Then I realised that she wanted me to say I had a surprise for him so he wouldn't be so upset. So I gave him a new lego set I have that was in the garage. It's an underwater lego and octopus set.

So he's been building that. Now he went out with his dad.  @Captain24 

I think it's the kids that keep me going. 

[Captain24]

We have a little Bunnings and a really small Kmart and no spotlight. @tyme. So yes all my shopping is when I’m on holidays or online. 

These are shelves you’d put in a workshop but they have wide shelves so I can fit the wider Lego on them. A glass cabinet would be good but it’s expensive. These are $50! I’m really hoping that you can buy extra shelves. 

It’s funny how the second child misses the first but when it’s the other way around the eldest doesn’t care. Lucky you had something for him!! But I have the little inkling that you would have a lot of things put aside! 

Im so glad you have the kids. They rely on you and need you. You have something to focus on. 

I found out that my brothers girlfriend has BPD. He doesn’t understand it though cause he sometimes called it bipolar. I had to tell him they are 2 different diagnosis. 

[tyme]

Makes sense. It's nice to see and touch things on the shelf before buying them @Captain24  🙂 Enjoy your shopping! $50 shelves - what a bargain lol!

With the kids, I have heaps of knick knacks. I was going to give him a foam plane, but I didn't have time to take him out to use it. So I just gave him lego.

Hrmmm... how does your brother manage if his gf has BPD? Is that why he is learning patience? I hope so! I'm glad you were able to tell him that it's different to bipolar. 

Arghh... all the knowledge we accrue from being mentally sick!!! To be honest, I don't think I would be what I am today without my BPD. It has really taught me so much. I just wish support was more available.