I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Thank you so much @tyme 

Talk soon.

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 ,

Are you available? I'm covering for a few hours so I'll be online for a bit.

With my recovery, I think I came to the point where I was soooo low in life that the only way was to go up. 

I read a lot into neuroplasticity and realised that if I wanted anything to be different I would have to do the work. 

My whole life, I sorta blamed other people for not getting it right. But really, the realisation came to me that I had to do the work or I'd be 6ft under. 

It really was a life/death situation.

I had to battle the urges to SH, hide away from the world, avoid anything confrontational and just get out of life. I had to face life head on and work with the trauma.

It honestly wasn't easy. But then again, life at that time was torture.

Part of my recovery was throwing myself into helping other people. This gave me purpose in life. It gave me accountability and responsibility that I had to be alive for.

Hope this sorta makes some sense.

[Captain24]

I’m just lying in bed @tyme Ive got nothing else. So much to do so nothing to give. So tired. So heavy. So exhausted. So drained. 

Yes that makes sense. Thank you so much for sharing this 

I know I'm not at the point you were at but I feel like I can’t go much lower.

I know it’s up to me to fix this and I have to try hard. Sometimes I can and other times I can’t. Like today. No one can do it but me. At least I have fantastic supports in place.

I do blame how I was treated but mostly I blame myself. That’s what I need to work on. Eg it’s my fault I was treated the way I was. It’s my fault that I feel this way…

You must have found strength from somewhere to work on the challenges. Thats something to be so proud of. Sometimes I do have that strength but then I go backwards again and lose it.

I want to be able to help others and I have on occasion but then there is other times when I just don’t want to listen. 

I can’t imagine the torture you were going through. Did you work during that time? 

[tyme]

I should empathise that what I wrote was my story. I'm mindful that our stories can be very different @Captain24 . In time, I will look forward to learning about your story too!

Believe it or not, during my whole mental torture, I worked the whole time. I didn't work full time, but enough to survive. Let's say, maybe 5-7 hours a day?

That's why it was hard for psychiatrists to believe I wasn't well. They would just say, "Go back to work and you'll be fine" They didn't get it. 

Work gave me routine and responsibility. The problem with that though is that meant most, if not all, of my admissions and SH was done from Friday to Sunday - because I lacked routine and I was so lost on the weekend.

[Captain24]

I know our stories are different but they are our own torture. @tyme 

Im hoping I will have a story to tell. Right now I don’t see it. But I guess it’ll eventually be there. 

It’s so good that you managed a job the whole way through. I totally get the ‘oh you’re not that bad, you can go to work and function’ I’m guessing the people at work didn’t know what was going on? The routine change is tough. Will the no routine. My biggest issue is that it’s 5 days. I try for a routine but I can’t do it. I need to find some structure. But in saying that there are so many times that I can do it.

[Captain24]

 

[tyme]

I'm very much a routine person. Without routine, I'm totally lost @Captain24 . But yeah, it had its own challenges. 

At work, there was a lot of masking, so by the time I came home, I just flopped and let it all out. That's why people around me said, "Oh, so you can control it at work, but not at home". That hurt a lot. It wasn't as though I was trying to hurt them. It just happened.

[Captain24]

Most of the time when I’m getting ready for work, I’m so busy that I don’t even recognise how I feel. I usually only give myself the time needed as it allows me not to think. It doesn’t always work but I try. @tyme It’s mostly driving to work that I have some issues with. But trying ground is helping a little with that (when I am able to do it)

I totally get the masking. I’m sure some people think there is something going on as I can’t always talk around others but they definitely would not expect what is really going on. I think the masking is what is exhausting me so much. To be on for so long. 

Im lucky, my psych always asks how work was but she doesn’t assume I'm ok because i work. She gets how I can function there but not at home. Her concern is that ‘am I able to keep masking’ I do have a lot of alone time at work though. There is no judgement from her at all. 

[tyme]

Totally hear that @Captain24 . It's as though your body tells you that you have to go to work, so you are then on autopilot. I remember telling you that there have been times I drive to the wrong place because I'm on autopilot! 

I'm finding that I'm on auto more and more lately. I don't know if it's the ADHD or my mind is too full. It's like when I take the wrong meds... it's because I don't take them mindfully.

And yes, it is so frustrating when people don't understand the energy it takes to mask. It's hectic! Just like social events. You get drained after it and need at least a whole day to recuperate!

Do you have anything planned this evening? Do you take Jett and Pix out for many walks now?

[tyme]

Totally hear that @Captain24 . It's as though your body tells you that you have to go to work, so you are then on autopilot. I remember telling you that there have been times I drive to the wrong place because I'm on autopilot! 

I'm finding that I'm on auto more and more lately. I don't know if it's the ADHD or my mind is too full. It's like when I take the wrong meds... it's because I don't take them mindfully.

And yes, it is so frustrating when people don't understand the energy it takes to mask. It's hectic! Just like social events. You get drained after it and need at least a whole day to recuperate!

Do you have anything planned this evening? Do you take Jett and Pix out for many walks now?