I can’t cope

[Jynx]

Also... I'm really glad you're alive @Captain24. I'd miss our chats sooooo much. 

[Captain24]

As a kid it was a golden blonde but has gone brown as I got older but I have blonde foils. @Jynx. Yeah being so fine my hair easily gets ‘flyaway’ especially after straightening. So you tried to follow society norms when you thought you were a girl? 

Alright here it goes… how many partners do you have? Do you go on dates and just do everyday stuff with each? Or is it mainly about the intimacy.

I am  just so far down so it’s just making things even more difficult. Work is just the icing on the cake. Getting picked on cause I was f@cking up really did a lot more damage

[Jynx]

@Captain24 hahaha yep sounds like my hair!! I used to get these bits that I unconsciously would tuck behind my ears, so they ended up with this big kink in them and when weren't tucked, would stick out in a really dumb looking way. So I shaved both the sides of my head and had a double undercut!! 

Yeah I was socialised as a girl; I was a tomboy as a kid, but got teased a lot so tried to be more 'girly' to fit in. In my early 20's I was wearing dresses and heels and absolutely HATED it, but I thought that's what I was supposed to do if I wanted to be accepted. Fun fact - people care far less about your appearance than they do about your authenticity. Because I wasn't being myself, I never felt connected to anyone I was friends with. They were friends with the lie I presented, not me. When I finally realised I was nonbinary, and gave myself permission to go out and buy clothes I liked (from the men's section hehe), it was incredibly liberating!!

At the moment I have two partners, and yeah we go on dates from time to time! My partner of 2 years is often popping around of a weekend for some chills and chats, and my new partner lives super close to me so I might even pop by their place after work to say hi. My longer term partner and I have a lot of emotional intimacy but not so much physical...except boops and smooches. New partner welll... we shall see haha. 

Aww hun that's so unfair. No one deserves to be picked on, regardless of whether they've made a mistake or not! It may only be the icing on the cake, but sometimes that's also the straw that broke the camel's back, ya know? Ugh, I know money is a thing so it's probably inappropriate to suggest like 'just take some time off' or something. But if there's any way for you to catch a break, I hope you can jump on it!!

[Captain24]

I could never shave any part of my head. @Jynx. I’m not confident enough. 

I was always a tom boy. (I’m not comparing, totally different) I was playing footy in the back yard with the guys or climbing trees. I’ve never been into dresses. I have looked at them but it’s just not me and heels, I don’t even own a pair! Im glad you were able to find yourself and dress and feel the way your authentic self. 

Is there ever any jealousy? How many partners have you had to try and juggle at once? I hope you get to call in after work. 

It defs was the straw. It pushed me way over the edge. But I guess I can talk to her about it tomorrow. I can’t take time off. I have holidays booked for Feb and I have to save up to go back to hospital. I just have to try and be better. 

I need to want to be alive. But right now I don’t have that want

[Jynx]

@Captain24 thought perhaps this might help with the confidence stuff - 

I think confidence isn't really something I feel, like I still get nervous and insecure and stumble over my words and stuff. For me confidence has been more about leaning into the awkward. And reminding myself that 90% of people out there are just the same! I often find that naming my anxiety in the moment is met with compassion and understanding, because most people can relate.

I've not had more than 2 partners before, but never say never eh? Jealousy can arise, absolutely!! But I've also read a LOT of poly and consensual non-monogamy books and resources which have helped me build up some solid coping tools and conflict resolution strategies. I'm also lucky to have partners who are super chill and don't seem to struggle with jealousy much. I think as long as lines of communication remain open, and when jealousy arises it is addressed not repressed, we should be a-ok!

I'm glad to hear you're gonna go talk about it. Hope it goes well. It really sucks to have to push past your need for rest in order to keep a roof over your head. Capitalism is the worst. 

The want will come. Your brain is under a lotta stress hun, and is responding accordingly - with a response as extreme as the stress. It will not be this way forever, I promise. 

[Snowie]

@Jynx it is interesting to read about your life. I'm glad you are able to give us a glimpse into it. I have never know anyone in that kind of relationship. I think you are amazing for being able to be yourself and live the life you want. It must have been very freeing to do so.

@Captain24 I hope today goes better for you hon.