I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme 

Hope your meeting went well. 

I will never drive a car with him in the passenger seat again. I’m not sure I want to drive again. Other than being p!seed off it bought back flashbacks of an accident that I had. I went through a fence and down into a paddock. 

Im not ok. I can’t function. I can’t do anything. I’m just an empty waste of space. I’m really struggling. I don’t want to be here. I’ve had enough. I can’t carry this weight around anymore. 

Sorry for dumping all that bug I need to get it out. 

How was your day? 

[tyme]

I really think you should pull him up on it next time. It would've been so traumatic.

Haven't you had changes to your meds already? @Captain24  - I mean, any changes? Sorry if I've lost track of time. I remember you saying 'Monday'.... not sure if it was the Monday past or the Monday coming.

The kids are on school holidays. Today, we went to a park to have lunch. Not much otherwise. I've got a lot of stuff to prepare for going overseas in May - not the packing. Packing is the least of my worries. 

I have to do a presentation so my brain is just thinking thinking thinking....

[Captain24]

I can’t forget it. I don’t need more going through my head. @tyme 

I see her this Monday. I’m a little scared if I feel like this now how am I going to feel changing meds. But I need to change something up. I won’t keep going the way I am. I will end it. 

Lunch in the park sounds nice. We do it with the dogs occasionally and they love it. As kids we would go down and feed the ducks.

Are you writing down what you are thinking to lessen the pressure in your brain and to try and organise your thoughts? May will be here before you know it. When exactly are you going or can’t you say? 

[tyme]

Awww @Captain24 . The thoughts sound so loud and real. It sounds like things are still not stable in terms of your meds. That can be so frustrating. For me, it took over 10 years to get on the right meds. I hope you don't have to wait that long!

The weather has been really nice here so the park was good today. 

Oh, did I tell you I groomed Ruby (a little) yesterday? Just used clippers for her main fur and scissors for other parts. I can't complain, she was really good. The groomer we used went on maternity leave, so we need to find a new groomer.

And yes, I need to start writing things down. I'll write up a word doc. It'll only be a 10 min presentation or something.

[Captain24]

Sooo loud and unrelenting @tyme. Sometimes I’m not sure I will be here to make it to the appointment. 

It’s been 3 years and definitely not stable. I hope it doesn’t take 10. No one has work on the depressive side of things though. That’s what she is planning. Hopefully she knows what she is doing. 

How did she turn out? Does it look good? Maybe you can keep doing. It’s a bugger that she is having time off. I never really thought of a dog groomer taking maternity leave. 

At least it’s not a long presentation. You do a lot of presentations though don’t you? 

[tyme]

Yeah. 10 years is a LONG time! But since I'm stable, I don't want to change things even though I feel I'm really really well. @Captain24 I hope you find what works for you. AND, hope you don't stop the meds once you are 'well'.

I know this guy who was on a med for 2 years. He was so well so he stopped the meds (with professional guidance)... then after a short time, he regressed significantly and when when was put back on the original med, it didn't work for him anymore. 

Have you ever considered ECT? I don't know much about it, but wondering if your treating team has mentioned it?

With Ruby's groom, I haven't even really looked at her that much. I haven't seen her much today. I've been too busy. I only gave her one hug today. I usually look at her when I take her for a walk and I haven't been taking her for many walks these last 2 weeks.

As for presentations, I've just realised, yes, I do to a lot! I didn't really consider it before. But yes, you're right!

I conduct a lot of training for other people. That's where a lot of the presentations are used. I've presented internationally a few times too. I present about mental health, recovery, BPD, education, inclusion, disability... so quite a few things.

I don't LOVE doing it, but I guess it's effective if people keep calling me back?

[Captain24]

How did you make 10 years @tyme ?

If it ever happens for me and I get well I won’t mess with anything. I think if it ain’t broke don’t fix it. I don’t want to go backwards. 

No one has suggested ECT but being out here no one would. 

You are always busy aren’t you. Do you ever have down time? poor Ruby will be missing you. I have one dog in my room sleeping on all my dirty clothes and the other one is curled up in a little ball on my lap. 

Id actually really love to know about your life. You do so much interesting stuff. I’m fascinated by the little that you are able to share. 

You just seem to be always working towards a presentation. I thought you must enjoy it. If people keep asking for you you must be really good at it. I think the presenter is what makes it interesting. 

[tyme]

Yes, I can't wait to tell you once I'm back. I'll tell you about the trip then @Captain24 .

I've never considered my life as very interesting, but I guess at this stage, I'm pretty free to go here there and everywhere. My neice is upset though and asked how I could possibly go for 2 weeks without taking her. 

As for the 10 years, I really don't know how I got through it. Seriously, the emotional/mental pain was unbearable so many times. As I've said before, I really don't know how I'm alive today. There's a lot to my story I haven't shared because it's too traumatic and wouldn't be helpful for people to hear it I reckon. 

But yes, over 10 years of severe emotional pain - all day, every day, plus insomnia which meant I was awake with all night with the emotional pain too. To the point that private inpatient units refused to take me in.

When i read how you respond in the private clinic, it makes me think what a 'perfect' patient you are. In real life, I'd love to work with you and people like you.

[Captain24]

I’ll be waiting with baited breath @tyme 

I find it very interesting including all your previous struggles. I would love to talk to you and learn from you. I’d love to talk to @Jynx too but I think they would be two completely different conversations!! 

Poor thing. Who will she sleep with while you’re away! Lol

I get you need to be careful but I’m sure a lot of it you wouldn’t want to relive either. 

It must have been so hard. 10 years of absolute hell. 

I have taken a lot out of my stays but I think if you are there take as much of it as you can. I’m a pretty compliant patient most of the time. I told the Pdoc I’ll take whatever she suggests. I wouldn’t say I’m perfect but I’m pretty easy to work with as I’m willing to accept the help, well mostly anyway. I continue to try even when I feel like I just can’t anymore. 

[tyme]

Hey @Captain24 , Just want to let you know I'm hopping off now, but will pop in to respond to your post over the weekend. 

Life is just one amazing 'joy' ride @Captain24 .... 

Hugs. Speak soon. Thank you so much for the chat tonight!