I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’ve taken my meds and gotten into bed. I’ve done pretty ok today. I was worried about being late to work but I just made a joke of it when I got there as the office staff were. They didn't make me feel bad just bagged me out. I didn’t fell overly self conscious. 

I coped with being corrected, I didn’t get all anxious so that was good. Maybe the med change is starting to work.. I don’t know. 

But now that my day is done my ‘bucket of shit’ is starting to overflow. I’m starting to feel distressed again. Not as bad but it’s there and it’s happening. It’s feeling really overwhelming. I have a sense of dread around me. I just need to get this out. I don’t want to end up in the same state I was in. I don’t want to cry for an hour and a half. Hopefully just putting it into the universe gives me some kind of peace. Here is different to journaling. I know no one is around to read it. That’s ok. 

[tyme]

Hello hello @Captain24 . 

Thanks for your post above. It felt a lot 'lighter'. Maybe the med IS working? IDK.

Hope you're okay today.

I'm thinking about your Easter lunch 🙂

Tell me how it goes.

[Captain24]

Hey @tyme !!

I just woke up. It was a pretty good sleep. 

I don’t know either. Is it the meds? Is it the massive meltdown? Who knows. It just all feels weird. 

Lunch was awesome. I’m about to have more! It should get me through til my meal break. 

I won’t be around much as I’m working tonight, tomorrow night and Sunday night. It’s all triple time though. Should make the shifts easier!

[tyme]

Triple time! @Captain24 ! Nice - it's probably much needed and will help with whatever you need at the moment.

Glad to hear how great lunch was. I can only guess lol.

What time you leaving for work?

[Captain24]

It is so needed @tyme. With so many appointments it gets quite expensive, so I can get all my bills under control which will be nice. Then I’ll set up direct debit plans and pig money on my bills every payday so then I shouldn’t get any.

Ive just finished dinner and I’m so full. But it was so good. 

I leave in about 15 minutes. I have to call into mums and get my awesome dinner for tonight. 

How was church? 

[tyme]

Church was pretty good. There's food for thought. I went for a brief swim in between services. We had a morning session, lunch, break, and then next service. So during the break, I went home to swim.

Let me know how work goes for you. @Captain24 

Thinking of you. Take care.

[Captain24]

I really hope you get this @tyme 

Church is good when it gets you thinking. I’ve mostly only been to catholic church’s so I’m guessing it’s a lot different. 

I hope the swim was good and refreshing. Lucky your pool is heated! 

Work was ok. I’m not sure if it’s the antidepressants but I felt pretty good until around 2. I was singing to the radio, not a lot, for the first time in a while. After 2 I was back to my miserable self. I am on only one tablet and the antidepressants and I up it to 2 in 2 weeks. It’ll be interesting to see what happens. It’s been hard though. I started taking them and then I’ve only been at work but I also had that major meltdown which could have also changed things. I don’t know what is happening. It feels like it’s all new ground. 

I had a guy tell me how he was upset by a song and he had to pull up because he was crying to much. I’m the one he talks to all the time. He will even pull me aside to vent. Backstory.. his wife died a couple of years ago and it was quite traumatic. Anyhow.. When he was telling me, I was telling myself that it’s ok to listen but don’t feel it. It was like I had this wall up they he couldn’t penetrate. I know I know.. it’s a shock. 

I hope your day goes well. 

I’ll tag you too @Jynx. I think you’ll be interested in some of it!

[Jynx]

Oooh @Captain24 so you've been singing, that makes ME sing!! Yippee!! 

Yes very curious to see how you go, and in two weeks an up? Here with ya on the journey!!

How do you feel about what happened in the convo, with this wall? I'm so curious!!

[Captain24]

Hey @Jynx 

Thanks for reading it. I was hoping that tyme did too, but it’s ok

When I realised that I was singing I actually smiled! It wasn’t a lot but it happened. I was like, YES! And I didn’t stop myself.

actually the first week is up so only one week to go. I’m curious too. It could be an interesting journey! I usually have a reaction to AD’s and it sends me panic or makes me worse. So I’ve been questioning how I’m feeling, am I happy, am I too happy or is it that I have none miserable times? 

The wall was rock solid. It felt kinda cold. I was supportive to him but maintained distance. It felt safe. I felt protected. 

Im about to get ready for work. I’ll try and reply when I get there.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 must've just missed her!!

You're wondering if this is you happy?

Well, did you make some happiness for yourself? I think you did!! Singing always makes me happy. 

I very much subscribe to this vibe hehehe:

Awesome!! Sounds like you were able to compartmentalise? Where you put your stuff aside in order to focus on the other! 

I'll catch you breifly then, then!💜