I can’t cope

[Captain24]

Shower clean and I’ve had a shower and washed my hair. 

Now everything else depends on the dryer.

I feel so much better having finished as much as I can. 

Thanks for being my buddy even though you weren’t around @tyme 

[Captain24]

 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 🤣🤣

Dang... now I want mozarella sticks!! 🤤😝

[Captain24]

They sound good. @Jynx 

How are you? 

[Jynx]

Have you had em before @Captain24?

Not too shabby! So odd, the night before last I got 10.5 hours sleep and felt bone tired yesterday. Last night I got like 4.5 and somehow feel wayyyy more perky! Bodies amirite? Haha how are you hun?

[Captain24]

Ive only had the ones maccas had ages ago @Jynx 

I’ve had that happen. I think sometimes you can get too much sleep. But I don’t feel like there is ever enough sleep! I’ve been getting around 8-8 1/2 hours lately. But I had a nap this afternoon. 

I think something is wrong with me. I had a complete meltdown yesterday when things didn’t go according to plan. That’s not normal. I feel so stupid. So dumb. Just a deadset loser. I’m ashamed of myself. I’ve been really struggling anyway and I think it’s med withdrawal. I only have a couple of weeks and then I’m off them!!! 

I did everything I needed to do today and what I didn’t get done yesterday. So I earnt my nap. I’ve earnt being able to sit and do Lego. I do feel guilty though. It’s still very dark though but it’s also overcast and raining and cold so that definitely isn’t helping in the slightest. 

What did shenanigans did you get up to last night to not sleep much?? Do tell!! 😜 

[Jynx]

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@Captain24 wrote:

I think something is wrong with me. I had a complete meltdown yesterday when things didn’t go according to plan. That’s not normal. I feel so stupid.

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@Captain24 hun that's like... SO common for autistic folks. Have you ever thought about ASD? I've been trying to motivate to go get diagnosed myself, and I relate to this SO HARD. Did I tell you about my egg meltdown from the other day? My boiled eggs weren't peeling properly and I absolutely lost it. 

So yeah, not stupid (unless you wanna be Stupid 1 and I can be Stupid 2 😝).

Also, naps and Lego (in my opinion anyway) shouldn't have to be earned! Rest and leisure are both needs. Rest in particular. 

Hahaha umm I got caught up in my game and didn't realise it was 6am... 😅 Not that exciting lol

[Captain24]

I’ve never thought about it @Jynx. I always have a meltdown when things don’t go to plan and I have to have everything organised. My meltdown doesn’t consist of crying just self deprecation and a lot of SH and SI thoughts. I’m trying to organise friends for when I go to see my psych in person I’m a couple of weeks. But it’s not working the way I wanted it to so it’s really getting to me. 

When I get off these meds I’ll make a new appointment with the Pdoc and she will finish the testing. Maybe something will come out of that. I don’t know if I want more wrong with me. But I guess knowing will make things easier by knowing how to manage it. My psych will help. 

I did hear about the egg incident. I have the same problem when they won’t peel. 

I feel as though I have to earn it. I feel guilty if I’m doing something and haven’t checked things off. I won’t allow myself to stop until it’s done. Oh.. unless it doesn’t go to plan. But yesterday I wasn’t allowed a nap or anything other than tv. 

Thats boring!!! 😂. I need some excitement and it comes through your shenanigans!! How’s things going with your partners? You havent talked about them much lately

[Jynx]

@Captain24 meltdowns are different for everyone, I get a bit ragey. Lots of tears (but I cry a lot anyway cos it wasn't something I was shamed for - the opposite actually, it got reinforced 🙃) and screaming and soooo much swearing. But I have friends whose meltdowns are them going nonverbal and needing not to be touched or even talked to. 

I mean, could be worth exploring - and let me highlight that ASD is different, it's not trauma it's just different neural wiring (same with ADHD - they're called developmental disorders cos it's just how we're born). Most autistic folks are traumatised, just because of how we're stigmatised and treated for our differences. But it's not 'more wrong' with you, or with me. I am seeking NDIS so I kinda need it, but for some people the diagnosis is just a way to help understand themselves and make changes to support their needs. For others, the diagnostic process is too stressful or expensive, and in most pockets of ASD community I've found, self-diagnosis is considered valid for those reasons. Also cos there's no 'treatment' (no meds, there technically is a treatment called Applied Behaviour Analysis but it's notoriously harmful, cos it's basically 'how to mask and force yourself to become neurotypical' as far as I understand it so... be wary of anyone who claims it to be helpful). 

Oh and fun lil fact - my fussy eating/texture issues with food is one of the first signs I noticed that I might be autistic. It's apparently pretty common for us 😅

I do understand that guilt hun, and I think 'hustle culture' is definitely partially to blame. This notion that our worth is based on how productive we are... so toxic!

Maybe switch it around, just for a day? Earn your chores by ensuring you have gotten enough rest? Just to shake things up hehe. 

Ahahaaa sorry to disappoint! I definitely feel like I'm in my 30's now I tell ya what 🤣

I've had a couple changes in my relationships recently, but I have been getting to know and connecting with some new people and it's been really nice and wholesome 😊

[Captain24]

I get angry a lot @Jynx but I internalised it against myself. I do swear too. I fill with rage. 

I have food issues too. A lot of food issues. Texture, one thing at a time. And I have issues with the feeling of some clothes. 

I guess I need to look at myself and see. I know I’m different to people. I feel different. I can’t make connections and I can’t hold conversations. I hate small talk. 

I’m thinking do I wait for the Pdoc or do I research. I kinda don’t want to influence the results. Maybe that means nothing will change if there’s nothing I can do. But maybe understanding will help. 

Crying wasn’t allowed. ‘Stop crying or I’ll give you something to cry about’ I was always really emotional. I use to throw myself in my bed. 

I will get up and clean the house in the morning and then go shopping and then food prep. I feel like I’ve got to get it all done or I will fail. 

Ah.. that getting old feeling. I’m sorry things have changed for you. I like that you are making new connections. I hope they work out for you. I like seeing you happy.