Lived Experience Forum

[Emelia8]

@saltandpepper 💕🤗

[NatureLover]

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@saltandpepper wrote:

I felt happiness like I haven't felt in the longest time. From the bottom of my heart, thank you forum friends 🙏

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You're so welcome, @saltandpepper  - you deserve every little bit of support. 🙂

[SJT63]

@saltandpepper 

thanks for the tag. I didn't sleep too badly last night as it turns out.

thanks for your thoughtful response to my last post... they took it down.. I'm not allowed to use the same words as you. I get moderated a lot. I vet things and carefully read them over trying to make sure I'm not transgressing but again I have. They have hightlighted a sentence I shouldn't have used, which is one you have quoted back to me. Maybe carers are held to a higher standard?

Once again, the universe is telling me that my feelings are irrelvant. QED.

So I'm pulling my head back in again, but I'm still here reading and giving as much moral support as I can muster.

much love to @Anastasia @AussieRecharger @Emelia8  @The-red-centaur 

[Emelia8]

@SJT63 😔💕

[saltandpepper]

Ooph @SJT63 I'm not sure I get held to standards that are any different to others around here. My posts get removed a lot too, I just talk to the moderators about it and find some middle ground. I think it can also vary a bit depending on the moderator as to what they see breeches the guidelines. That's why it's worth reaching out to them so you can talk it through and come to an agreement. It's not easy, I feel your frustration. I think my second post on this thread was taken down about 3 different times alone, so, you know...

@Former-Member 👆👍

[AussieRecharger]

@SJT63 

Don't take it personally, cause it's not, these forums cater for a large dynamic and they can't control who can read it, but they can control what is displayed. 

I was wondering since you used to talk about the bad times and bunkering down at Mr S flat, do you ever do that anymore?  I know he moved into your house before you were quite comfortable with the idea, can you start to create more of a boundary but having nights when you are not there or no longer share a room?   Do you both share the same bank accounts and such?

[SJT63]

@AussieRecharger 

definitely do not share bank accounts... 

When his boys are here (7 nights a fortnight) there are no spare rooms. I would LOVE to sleep in their room the other half of the time (even after cuddles) because then I can sleep through without him accidentally waking me up. Sometimes I can get away with it, if I'm really under the weather or we've had several disturbed nights in a row, but mostly he is too disappointed if I ask to sleep elsewhere,  so I stay in what used to be my bedroom. 

His place is much further away from my work, has no internet or hot water, and if I can't think up a good enough excuse to just sleep in another room of my own house there's no way I'd get away with going there. I've done that when I've been too exhausted to deal with him any more and needed time to centre again.

Back before the pandemic, weeknights with his sons was done at his own house and everything was much, much easier. I only had his boys at mine every second weekend. I coped a lot better. During the pandemic the body corporate cut down a tree in the backyard of his townhouse so he is now too traumatised to go back there. His older boy checks the mail every couple of weeks.

I try and fail with any sort of boundaries all the time. He doesn't ignore them, he just forgets. If I remind him it makes him sad. His memory is quite bad now and is a constant source of frustration.

I keep trying to be stronger and stick up for myself more, but I always end up taking the line of least resistance and making myself miserable. My own fault, not his. I really really really hate confrontation. Maybe that is what's wrong with me... conflict phobia. Ask him, and he will say I'm argumentative, but he only remembers the 1 in 100 times I don't kowtow, not the 99 when I do.

hmmmm thanks @AussieRecharger I am now going off to google conflict phobia... maybe I really do  have something wrong?

xoxo

[AussieRecharger]

@SJT63  - 

There's lots of information here but I think you have identified the root cause which seems to be his memory.  

I know both of you have therapists so I don't want to tread on any toes but I think one thing you can do is identify if his memory issues are cluttered mind related as in stress, trauma or anxiety or if there is another issue that is at hand.  To be honest, your descriptions of him are trauma based, his brain is not engaging logical centres and just smashing out cortisone. The same part of the brain that releases cortisone also is responsible for short term memory processing. 

There should be a strategy in place that identifies this. 

For example, a person I know visited his doctor last year and they diagnosed him with dementia, When he went back 6 months later for a brain scan, his cognitive abilities and brain had not changed. They then realised that he was living with high anxiety and provided medication.  Suffice to say, his wife now thinks his the best husband in the world, he is no longer controlling, afraid to do new things etc.. he wants to go out and live.  

I know you have lots of issues to deal with, but i feel like his issues are more like a tree and you need to get down to the roots to identify why the fruit is sour. 🙂  

Look after yourself @SJT63 ... and it is okay to take time out for yourself despite the trantrums.

[Appleblossom]

@saltandpepper 

Glad you had some good moments.

It is weird how communicating online can break down barriers, and have good effects on our feelings.  Even in those moments we feel most alone in the middle of the night.  It helped me fill my cup and move among people with more optimism again.

@SJT63 Maybe think of it more as being in dialogue with mods rather than think too heavily on the rights and wrongs of a post.  We have all been through it.

@AussieRecharger 

[Peonies]

Hi @SJT63 @saltandpepper 

Just jumping into this thread as I wanted to let you know that we hear you and we are sorry if you ever felt that you are being over-moderated.

We always try to do our best to support the community and ensure that all posts are consistently moderated according to the SANE Forums community guidelines. This is so that the forums remain a safe and supportive space for all. 

We are here to support everyone to be able to post safely and receive the support you deserve from the community  So, if you are ever unsure if a post is meeting the Community Guidelines, we are more than happy to read over any drafts or answer any further questions you might have.
Please feel free to contact us at team@sanefourms.org