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Sombercat
Casual Contributor

Stuck in depression

Hi,

 

I'm struggling with depression. Everything seems pointless. All I want to do is disappear from life as I know it. It's hard and draining.

I don't know how I manage to get up and go to work, function there to a degree (not good enough for my manager though) and still have some sort of facade I'm okay.

Inside it feels like a nightmare. Intrusive thoughts and desire to just hide under a rock for eternity. 

 

Work is toxic under the current manager. She micromanagaes. Always points out every single flaw or mistake, even something like using the wrong adjective. I was close with my previous manager, and she has been a source of support, but I feel like there's only so much I can share, and a limit to how much I lean on her.

 

I see a psychologist every 3 to 4 weeks, we were planning to drop back a bit as she thought I was going okay, but really I think I have just reverted to hiding beneath a facade again.

I see a psychiatrist via telehealth, but it feels strained and awkward. I haven't really been able to be open with her.

 

I don't know what I want or how to cope. Everything feels too hard, too draining and completely messy. 😞 

13 REPLIES 13

Re: Stuck in depression

Hi @Sombercat and welcome to the Sane Forums.

 

I'm sorry to hear things are so hard for you at the moment.It does show how much courage, strength and determination you have to continue to function every day and to get through the days.

 

I am glad you have regular support with your psych and encourage you to keep talking and opening up with them. I normally see a psych every two weeks (not at the moment however, have just swapped) and find that if it is any longer then that, that my mind suffers.

 

I hope you are able to get some support through the forums. I find them to be a very supportive place. Keep reaching out for help hun.

 

Take care, Snowie 💜💜

Re: Stuck in depression

Hello @Sombercat 

 

I know that feeling all too well. I have only joined up recently and have already felt like I'm reading my own thoughts and feelings from others, which already helps me feel more understood, and less alone.

 

Work stress is awful. And it feels like Such a waste of energy. We spend a great deal

of time at work, and slowly perhaps you can re-evaluate some things in that regard, when you are feeling stronger. 💪 

 

I see my psychologist every week. I have been seeing her for many years, and she has been extremely patient, understanding and reassuring. I used to see her maybe once a month or so? Not regularly enough. And finally she was able to get me to a point of comfort, to be able to lean in to her support and see her as much as I want and as frequently as I need. I too, felt like I hid under a "facade" or a blanket of expectation I had cloaked myself in, to be doing well, I "should not need to see you this often". I don't know if you experience this, but sometimes it may feel with the 10 sessions, MHCP, there's a timeframe for psych support and or your healing and "progress" but progress doesn't always look like people think it looks. I think it might be beneficial, especially right now, when you are suffering greatly, to have a support system in your life, on a regular basis. Having a neutral, voice of reason and understanding party, purely on your side, reminding you every week of your strengths, and reassuring you that this will pass, is really important, it's ok, and there's no shame. Maybe you can reach out to your psych and request frequent sessions. Your psych might say you are doing well, but that doesn't mean you must drop back the support and you probably see doing well! This is just the motions of mental illness. We go through waves, and sometimes managing those waves feel even more difficult when there's an expectation to continue on the "I'm doing well so I shouldn't need to see you this often" road. That's my personal experience anyway.  

 

it's ok to reach out and to have needs. To be vulnerable and to use those supports that are in place. Don't hide away all on your own, let someone in that dark space of yours, to help you carry the burden. You aren't alone in your feelings. I promise. X

Re: Stuck in depression

It can be really tough @Sombercat. It sounds like there's a lot happening that's weighing heavy on you, and your struggle as a result of that is so relatable. Thank you for sharing- I don't imagine that would've been easy to do. 

 

To echo @Snowie & @Leggs, I am also glad to hear you've got other supports. Please know that you are deserving of that support and don't be afraid to seek it out when needed. I know that can be when it's hardest to do, but I've found for myself that it's also when seeking out that support can be the most important. You're not alone. We'll sit here with you as you ride out this rough road, so feel free to come check in every once in a while 💜  

Re: Stuck in depression

Hi @Sombercat 

 

The good thing is you have reached out despite the feelings you have shared.

Facing work when struggling with depression is not easy at all.  It shows strength you are going to work and putting up with the struggles there.  You are obviously trying extremely hard. 

Keep going with the counselling/ clin psych apts and try to get more apts if they are helping. 

Keep posting on here if it helps sharing.  Someone else has said in another post something that's like reading other's struggles is like seeing many similar aspects of one's own struggles. The struggle is real.  Each life is of course different but the experience of depression and other mental health issues of having lived or living presently with the struggles does, for me anyway, help enough at the time to take that extra step forward.  Not giving up...

I so know the hiding under a rock feeling.  Isolating oneself can go with depression... 

Feeling like giving up and hopelessness.  I totally get that.  I have found the short time in being on here that those with lived experiences, sharing experiences and reading/listening to others is a help to know it's not just me feeling similar things. 

Keep going and keep posting if it helps and I hope extra support out there becomes available. 

Work wise- you are winning and doing great just showing up in my book. 💪

 

 

 

Re: Stuck in depression

Hi @Sombercat 

 

So much you are struggling with.  The good thing is that despite feeling like hiding under a rock as you mentioned you made the choice to reach out and share your struggle and experience. That shows strength. 

 

Going to work despite feeling like you have said takes also takes great strength. 

 

I am sorry work is a negative experience. It would be good if your manager was more sensitive to where you are at although I do understand feeling the need to put on a facade to get through the day.   

 

Would seeing/talking with your counsellor or clin psych more regularly rather than cutting back help? Sometimes it takes a few visits with different psychs to find an individual you can communicate well with.  

 

The short time in being on SANE it has helped enough in the low times to read other's lived experiences and challenges with mental health.  So many feelings are similar even though not exactly the same as we are all individual in where we are in life etc.  

 

Keep going and keep posting if you need.  No means am I an expert but just getting to the next bit, the next step for now is going in the right direction.   

Re: Stuck in depression

@Snowie. I find any longer than 3 weeks I struggle and feel like I'm falling apart. But right now I feel like there's a barrier to being open. And I don't know what or why.

@Leggswork stress absolutely seems pointless. I want to quit I don't like who I am. I was better when I only worked 15 hrs there.

I see my psychologist outside of the 10 MHCP sessions. So I paid last year for a bit under half of the sessions out of pocket. She was bulk billing me, but now has decided not to, so the rate goes up, but I'm still on her lowest threshold. And I know that wouldn't have been an easy decision as she had explained how hard it was for her to actually charge cancellation fees for no shows and late cancellations.
I have been with her now for a few years or more. She hadn't quite seen me at my worst, but our first few sessions I literally couldn't talk or look at her. I was in such a state of panic she had to read me and try to pull me out of my shell. I look back and still sometimes it's so very hard to verbalised the pain. Or I have the words but it feels too hard to verbalise them.
I definitely think I'm struggling with that wave of "I shouldn't need..."

@TideisTurningIt wasn't overly hard to share here. I was part of youth forums Reachout for a long time, but now on the edge of aging out and definitely feeling like j don't belong in that space anymore. Guess I have felt that way in terms of support for a long time really.

Absolutely, I so notice I tend to hide away and dwell. I just want to be in bed alone where nothing can hurt me.

@Dew3thank you, although I definitely don't feel like I'm winning at anything. Especially work.
I don't feel like it's a strength to even show up

I have been seeing my psych for a few years now, so she knows me well. (She's not clinical, but working towards it. Being rural we have no clinical psyche or even pdocs in town) I have the option to email her between sessions and she'll read and we will go over in session. Often it's the only way I can let her in. Sometimes I'm able to bring it up, but often if I haven't sent an email I feel like I'm flying blind and I don't feel as though I have let her in.

I think I'm slipping further into depression. I can barely eat while at work. And to even think of lunch ideas prior just feels too hard. I threw my lunch out today after playing with it for 20mins and having only had 2 bites. And thus took my antidepressants on an empty stomach yet again. This weekend I was feeling good, I had a sense of purpose and felt like I could achieve things. But as Sunday afternoon turned into evening it was like a switch just flicked and I was starting to dread work the following day. I couldn't bring myself to prep anything for the week so bought a couple microwave meals, what is 1 serve I can barely eat half at lunch in my 30min break.
I don't have an interest in food. It's too hard to make my mind up.
Yet then at night all I want is to eat all the chocolate. But even that after any I feel so guilty and stupid.

I keep imagining ways to harm myself. It doesn't feel enough. I haven't acted and won't act on the thoughts and ideas. I am safe. I need to tell some one. Or the world while being anonymous behind my screen name.

Re: Stuck in depression

Hi @Sombercat thanks for reaching out. It is important that you are safe in these forums, so I trust that you are ok and if things escalate for you that you contact the appropriate servcies, Lifeline been the main one as this is not a crisis service. I am glad that you say you won't do anything. These feelings can me overwhelming and it is normal to have thoughts, please take care of yourself and can you garantee you are safe?

Jazz

Re: Stuck in depression

@jazz I am safe. I contact to lifeline when at risk..
I have edited my post to reflect that I'm safe.

Re: Stuck in depression

Hi @Sombercat 

 

I hear what you mean about not 'feeling' strong about going to work.   From reading your story I think it takes great strength to face work despite how you are feeling.  

 

Good you do get along well to talk with your psychologist.  Finding a therapist you can communicate with is important.  I see what you mean in that you live rural and the less choice of therapists or even support groups? 

 

Even though I think you facing work is a great strength it definitely seems like it's a negative place to be at atm.  You said you were feeling better in yourself on the weekend then by Sunday you felt that sinking feeling again. 

 

It's hard to complete tasks when depressed so I imagine work overwhelming.   Do you have a trusted workmate at work to talk to? 

 

Some workplaces offer mental health sessions as part of the whole package of the business.  Whether that's something to look into? 

Is even some time off work something that you can do for health reasons?  To me it sounds like you need a break to focus on being well.

It would be interesting to see if your mood lifted at all having a break from work.

I know at the end of the day bills need to be paid. If the workplace is part of what has contributed to you being unwell by having that break may shine a light on that aspect?

 

Again, I know you said you live rural.  Are there any groups you are interested in?  Work i can understand takes up lots of your time but is there like a men's shed or sport or art or anything you are interested in to join to help get outside of your thoughts, chat with others or just enjoy whatever activity it is? 

These suggestions may be things you have heard before and I know there is no simple fix but small change in a different direction may help?  

I am glad from reading from other replies that you are safe.  Please do call a helpine if you feel unsafe.  

 

Hey, if you are at work at lunchtime again and not in conversation, have a check on this forum to see if there is a reply and/or write how your day has been so far if you have access to internet while you eat?

 

Keep going...it's a strength to reach out and shows self care in looking for ways to feel better.

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