Lived Experience Forum

[Steffie911]

Welll I guess hey,  I’ve just come out of a manic episode and  majority of it I blacked out of… I wanted to talk to someone about it on the phone but they couldn’t take my call… that upset me because I just really wanna understand more about my bpd and why I am the way I am… I feel alone, I don’t have family, majority of my friends don’t understand me or get me and I’m so fed up… I feel like I’m invisible majority of the time and well I hate myself… I just want someone to talk to, to share stuff with and someone that’s not gonna judge me and tell me to get over it or I’m just attention seeking. I just want someone that’s just gonna listen… I wish I could hug someone but I know it’s pointless. I just need reassurance right now. Please anyone… 

[defaultusername]

Hey @Steffie911,

Welcome to the forum and thank you for sharing some of your story with us.

Who was it that you tried to contact on the phone? I'm sorry that happened and I can understand you not wanting to talk more about your BPD all the time, as it doesn't define who you are, it's just something that you happen to have.

You have a lot going on right now... I can see how all of these things are making you feel isolated and I can sense how intense these feelings are for you.

Do you have a mental health professional you can talk to? Or a support worker?

If you're interested, SANE have some wonderful support services (https://www.sane.org/get-support) where you can access mental health professionals, including counselling sessions and peer support through SANE's Guided Service (https://www.sane.org/referral).

And there is always the following supports when you feel you need to speak with someone when it's after hours:

Beyond Blue
Website: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/ 
Phone: 1300 22 4636
Online chat: https://www.beyondblue.org.au/get-support/talk-to-a-counsellor/chat 

Lifeline
Website: https://www.lifeline.org.au/ 
Phone: 13 11 14
Online chat: https://www.lifeline.org.au/crisis-chat/ 

Looking forward to hearing from you.

Know that you are not alone,

defaultusername

[Snowie]

Hi @Steffie911 

Welcome to the Sane forums.

Have you ever tried the Sane helpline? I find them to be really supportive and helpful.

Whilst I haven't got bpd, I can understand a lot of what you are going through. It is hard for people to be able to relate to what we are going through. I have been told numerous times that I am just attention seeking. Sometimes I just live in my own little bubble, the thought of dealing with others just increases my anxiety.

Please know that you are not alone. We are here with you through all of this and to listen to whatever you need to say. 

[tyme]

Hey @Steffie911 ,

I'm sorry to hear things are so tough for you right now. 

With BPD and manic episodes, are you referring to bipolar disorder or borderline personality disorder. Both can present similarly, but treatment is very different.

Please know you are not alone. I have BPD, but I don't have bipolar.

There IS hope.

[tyme]

Hey @Steffie911 ,

I've also sent you a quick email. Hope you can respond.

[Steffie911]

I have both bpd and bi polar. Been properly diagnosed with both and a lot of other mental health issues.  I know it’s called a split but I also call them my maniacs. It gives me a bit of a comfort to it. 

[Steffie911]

I tried to call sane helpline. I find beyond blue and lifeline useless. I understand that they don’t define me… but they are apart of me. I feel like a devil sometimes… a monster and sometimes I can’t control it. I “ split “ so rapidly… so quick. I just want it all to stop. I’ve been to psychs and psychologists… counselling… I got to my gp every damn week… take the stupid medication that makes me feel nothing… but yet I still get episodes where I become damaging… I want someone to understand it’s not easy…. At all to just turn off “ the switch “ no therapy or lessons I’ve learnt in that moment is gonna work… after I calm down and come back to “ reality “ I’m ok and I can ground myself… but in those moments… I’m self destructive…. My brain runs a million miles an hour, I feel everything at once… I become suicidal, I self harm… I do stupid stuff… aggressive… and then black out because I don’t think reality is real…. I constantly feel everyone thinks there’s a “ quick fix “ but there isn’t. I wish I was never mentally I’ll and I just wish that everything that has happened to me didn’t… I wouldn’t be this monster… 

[Steffie911]

I tried calling them but they never answered and hung up on me… I wanted 30/40 minutes. I just wanna be normal… or set free at this point. I scream, yell and I was told the other day I was having a tantrum for sticking up for myself and I got so angry I called this so called friend every name under the sun. I go from 1/1000 real quick. I have so much hate in my heart for people because of what they have done and said to me… 

[Steffie911]

Did you?

[tyme]

I can relate to the 'monster'. I call it my beast - Beauty and the Beast... I used to split within seconds. It was terrifying what I became when triggered. 

I was officially diagnosed with both bipolar and BPD. However, 10 years after taking mood stabilisers and bipolar meds, I was told I didn't have bipolar and it was purely BPD. 

I could then focus on BPD therapy once my anxiety and depression was under control. 

Talking therapy is what works with BPD. I had intensive MBT therapy for nearly 2 years. I'm absolutely on top of the world now, and I've been feeling so great for a few years now.

I used to think I was going to die any moment because I was so self-destructive. I can't go into what I did, but I've been involved with police and all. Nothing illegal, just harmful. 

Yet at the end of it all, I have really learnt so much about myself and humanity. It's been an incredible journey. And what's more important? Medication can't 'fix' BPD. The onus is on the person and how willing and ready they are to work at the recovery. It was really really hard work for me, but worth it.

My heart goes out to you @Steffie911