Dealing with denial

[Camelia]

My 24 yr old son was hospitalised in the Mental Health Unit for 3 weeks after I had him committed by the court.  He was psychotic and paranoid.  He was living away from home and had been taking meth-amphetamines and I knew I had to do something as no-one else was helping him. It was the hardest thing I have ever done, but am not regretting it at all.  He has been diagnosed with temporary schizophrenia (well we hope it will be temporary).

He has been home with us for over a month and is on depot medication once a month and that is working  well.  He is calm and pleasant with some side effects of sedation and the psychosis and paranoia seem to have gone.

My problem is that both my son and husband do not comprehend that my son is unwell.    This means that my son has taken up regular cannibis use again, and my husband is angry with him for not getting a job and being independent.  The same old patterns of their relationship are rearing their ugly heads and I feel that I'm stuck in the middle trying to mediate between them.  

So much so that I reached the point of saying to my husband that if he can't accept his son is undergoing treatment and needs a calm and positive environment, then I'd have to go and find somewhere I can provide that for him.

I have given my husband information about schizophrenia - whether or not he has read it I can't be sure.

My son, believing that he is fine and just wants to get off the meds, refuses to even consider attending any form of counselling or psychology support to help him learn coping skills.  He has suffered depression in the past, hasn't had a job for at least 3 years and those that he did have lasted only for a matter of weeks.  He has a case worker under his ITO (involuntary treatment order) but they are mainly concerned about the medication and the psychosis - which has abated.  Right now he is in a good place, but his marijuana use means that he is doubly sedated - his meds and the dope! 

I understand why my husband is so angry - that we are trying to help our son yet he won't help himself by staying clean. My son thinks that we are out of touch with reality and that everyone smokes weed.   I just don't know whether I am kidding myself that my son can be helped, or that once a drug addict always a drug addict.  But as a mother I feel this is the best chance we may get to help put him on the right track.

I started seeing a psychologist but frankly I don't feel that I am getting many answers.  I know there is no particular answer, but I would like to know if anyone else has had a similar experience and found a way to break through the denial at any level.

My greatest fear is that my husband will want to throw him out - again - and that will eventuate in my son return to worse drugs.  

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Camelia,

Ille be honest ...my heart felt soft when I was reading your story.


My oldest son is also going through a difficult time. He is 23years old. .....24 in a couple of months. so being mindful on what is happening for you.........
the most important thing in this scenario is you.
and you are the strong one.
you know and I know, as well as many people on this forum know that medication and pot don't really work.
but your son is 24 years old and he is considered an adult.
If he gets kicked out by your husband, this is his journey. Not yours.
What your doing is going to bring huge benefits. just being there and being a loving Mum, being yourself, ....you will be amazed....my story on my son is somewhere called 'good news.'

thanks for sharing.

Your Sixth paragraph...where you write about saying your son thinks he's fine is absolutely how my son feels

[PeppiPatty]

Dear Camilia,

I've been doing a bit of my own stuff and I remembered something. Don't know if it's relevant for yourself or not but writing your own life story.....mainly like a timeline has helped me focus on keeping it real.....like ''saning,' an insane situation.

I wrote.....
When I was 18 years old, I was interested in supporting x.
He was suffering times of mental ill health. I got support from my Dad who was working as an education officer.
I was tapestrying purses and making earrings and giving them away to family and friends. I also sold earrings.

When I was 30 years old... I began studies in......
I was paying w for my support.
At 32 years old I began crochet. I crochet bags and and making necklaces and gave them away to family and friends.


When I was 40, my children needed ....... I was able to provide......
My natural instincts back when I was 19....
Today, I get support by K.

now that I am 4000 years old, I can see a pattern in my life stretching back from when I was 18 years old. I can even remember when I was in grade 5 at primary school, the books I was taking out from the library were true stories of elderly people in Christian books and how they are being cared for.....

So that's a little of my timeline. I was freaking out on my life in relation to my children. What would your timeline say?

It's a creative process ....

[Camelia]

Dear not just another 47 yr old....

Thank you for your good news story.  Last time my husband threw son out I hoped that would be his time to realise that he had to change in order to  support himself.  Instead he took more drugs - and worse drugs - because he didn't understand why he was being thrown out.  I messaged him time and time again explaining it but I now realise it was the underlying schizophrenia, that meant he couldn't understand.

I am also aware that I must disentangle myself from him so that he can grow and learn and my aim is that he will move out of his own volition so that he doesn't play the blame game with me again.

Today he wants to submit his forms for housing commission accommodation - which is good, but also scarey because he will most likely be surrounded again by other drug users.  I think he wants to move out because we are so against his drug-taking and he doesn't want me harrassing him.  I try so hard not to comment. 

If only I could get him to regular psychiatric or psychological sessions he may make better progress.  Instead he takes the advice of his druggy mates. One of his "mates" has had extensive treatment and now speaks very slowly - James thinks the medication has done that to him, and refuses to acknowledge the deep brain damage that the drug induced psychosis had caused which required his friend to be on medication.

As my yoga teacher advised, we can only help but not predict or be responsible for the outcome.

But I am so pleased to hear a good news story.  Hope is what keeps me going.

[-karma-]

Hello Camelia
although your story is unique, I would like to share that the battle you are experiencing with your son's, (and husbands) denial is not yours alone, many loved ones are faced by the same dilemma. How do you help someone who doesn't think they have a problem? For this reason, and in terms of a time frame, (it sounds like your are at the beginning of things), I would like to suggest connecting with family and carers support. If only for yourself to begin with, in managing what is before you. The others may follow, at their own pace, but for now this could offer some practical strategies, education, and emotional support. Does this sound like something you could see yourself doing? If so, I'd be happy to provide you with some resources for the state you live in? There is something to be said about connecting with others in a like situation!
Best wishes

[Camelia]

Thanks Karma. I do have some contacts that I will call ARAFMI and MIF. Just had another "conversation" with husband who doesn't understand that getting son to work is not as easy as just saying, go get a job.

[Camelia]

I was hoping to get my son to do something like that so he could see the patterns/cycles that he keeps repeating.

[Alessandra1992]

Denial has it's place sometimes. Maybe your son is really doing the best he can for now, he is trying to be independent which is a positive step.
Sometimes it is just through being there that you are helping to be the person who,holds the hope in your family that life will improve but it will take time.
It must be frustrating for your hubby but maybe remind him that Australia has one of the highest youth and young adult unemployment rates in the developed world, so might not be practical to assume your son can easily get work..

Part of our growth is to make mistakes, and your son is allowed to make mistakes too. Maybe you could check in with him that he has up to date information on harm min practices. That's not to say you are condoning his usage, but just remind him to try and ensure he keeps himself safe by not sharing needles or using alone...

[PeppiPatty]

dear Camelia,

My good news story is only good because I choose to make it good. I deliberately do not focus on my oldest son's feral drug taking.

My son has told me a little about his drug taking. What he is able to and I answered something like. Oh.

He told me how he hears voices. I said, oh. do you think not taking medication is the best way to manage your own life?

I've made terrible mistakes. One year I went to bed for about three months.

When I write as a suggestion for you to do...the suggestion was for you to note down your achievements. Personally, I find it good for the soul.
I've never used drugs except coffee etc. I don't drink alcohol that regularly. I do not focus on what bad my son's are doing because It's none of my business.
Probably not the best way to be.


I'm now a consumer meaning...' Someone who has accessed mental health agencies in the past ' I manage my life with medication and a lot of rest.

[countrymum]

Reading your story is like history repeating its self for me.  I have lost my husband and many friends over the last 17 years as I thought I could play god and help my son to whom I love so much like all mothers. In the end I lost my self and all that I loved. I do not blame my son I am to blame by listening to my heart only and not the ones that knew best. I was left a complete wreck . In the end I myself went down to depression and meds as I never looked after number 1 at that stage I couldnt even help myself let alone my son. By continueing on his drug use for 17 yrs he lied and cheated me the hurt I have felt was unbareable I just wanted the week way out as I felt such a failure with no one to talk to. I am sorry to say I failed him also by not taking on that hard love with family support. The damage he has now done to his brain due to drug use is so sad. If only I could turn back time and start all over again I would no that he needed boundries and that his family also loved him as much as I did.My son now does not care how much he hurts me as he has lost all empthy and thnks he is the only sane one he has no sz and now no feelings.Please work with your family for your sons wellness and more so for your own health. I would not be the only person thinking love would cure his illness My son is now 35 but still thinks he is 16 and has chosen to go down the easy road of drugs,  I have now cut my apron strings and at present trying to regain my health, I will always be there for him if he changes his life style and goes back on meds .PLEASE just remember look after yourself we are not invincentable.