Moving on with life

[Adlin]

My husband and I have been caring for a young adult child with a mental illness triggered by drug use for well over 4 years. Thankfully he beat the drugs but the cost has been high for ongoing his mental health. My husband is great, he is kind, sensitive and caring. He has also been able to compartmentalise this matter and get on with his life. Our child is even getting well enough that he is beginning to take small steps towards independence that is great. But I find my self lost increasingly unable to get a grip on life again. I lost some of my spark and drive in the whole episode. My husband knows how I feel, but I cannot keep bringing it all up because it drags both him and my child down, it does not help anyone, let alone anyone with a mental illness. I feel trapped underwater but unable to swim. Any suggestions?

[coffeegirl]

Hi Adlin,

I haven't seen you around the forums before, welcome.

I think this is something alot of carers can relate to. You lose yourself when you focus so much on someone else. It's great you have such a supportive husband, but maybe you need someone more objective to work with you on this type of thing.

Is there someone in your life who is a bit more objective to the situation? Seeing a counsellor or psychologist is really helpful because they are completely objective and also would know alot about the situation you have been in with your son.

I have found these forums quite helpful so far. I really like the "Looking after ourselves" section - it gives some little tips on different things you can do to ensure you take some time for yourself.

It's great to hear your son is getting back on track - full credit to you & your husband to see him through that.

[BeHappy]

Hi Adlin,

After going through turbulent times it's only natural to feel worn out, which can make it hard to bounce back.  When you're caring for someone it's all too easy to focus on their recovery. What we often forget is that there is also a process for your recovery too. Caring for someone else is hard work, and this can impact on your well-being too. Not to mention that outside of the caring role, drug use and mental illness also has a profound impact too. 

This is why it is so important that you take time to care for you too. It's great to hear that your son is doing better. I'm sure the support he has gotten from you and your husband played a huge role. I'm glad that you've come here to seek advice. Sounds like you've been holding it all, which can also create an additional weight on your shoulders. Perhaps you could speak to counsellor, someone that you can just 'let it all out' to.

I use to work as a drug and alcohol counsellor so I know of a few services. 

There's family drug helpline, - it's a peer support line where you can speak to someone else who has experienced a loved one with a drug and alcohol problem.

I'm not sure what state your in but there's also Directline 1800 888 235, it's professional drug and alcohol counselling line that's free and available 24/7, and it's nationwide number but based in VIC. So they may refer to your local state drug and alcohol telephone service, which provides the same type of service. From there they can link you in with face-to-face counselling services too. 

And not to mention, there's support here too. 😉 Let us know how it all goes...

BeHappy 

[NikNik]

Hi Adlin,

Coffeegirl & BeHappy have offered some really great advice.

I thought you might find this thread helpful. It's a discussion about how others have delt with the impact of caring for another. 

I hope to see you in the forums again soon and hear how things are travelling.

Take care,

NikNik

[Adlin]

Thanks to all of the replies from everyone, they are much appreciated. I am going to seek professional counselling. One thing that has always stopped me from seeking help before is that I think I know what I should be thinking and doing - being grateful and positive, keeping fit, not worrying etc etc etc. But I don't quite manage to do what I know I should be doing. Thanks once again for the replies.

[NikNik]

Hi Adlin,

That's really great news - that takes a lot of strength & courage!

I think a lot of us can relate, in terms of knowing what we should do, but there is a block - something stopping us. We experience it in all areas of life (eg: when it's 6:30am & cold, I know I should get up and exercise before work to improve my health..... but something stops me... mostly the cold & laziness.... & it's something I need to work on) and it's great you're sorting out what that barrier is.

I hope you keep us posted on how things are travelling - we would love to hear how you're going with it all & I'm sure there are people in similar situation reading your story, who are on the verge of seeking professional counselling & just need that little nudge.

please keep in touch!

[Hobbit]

Hi Adlin,

Just thought I'd send this quick post to see how you are doing. I really hear you - I think often we know what we should be doing, but it helps when someone else says it as well.

Hope you are going well.

[Adlin]

Thank you for your concern. I sought professional help, but I also confided in a friend about this and related issues and that was a good step. For a long time I did not really want to burden others or to say I was not coping that well. I think the best thing for everyone is for me to focus on my own needs more, otherwise I will not be able to effectively help anyone anyway. Regards Adlin.

[Jo]

Is there any way you could simply say to your son and husband that it has taken a toll on you and you would like to take some time out to re-energise? Think of something you may have wanted to do when you were younger but never got around to it...e.g. take an evening course in creative writing/drawing/ceramics/ancient history/aerobics and ask if you could, as a family, arrange for you to have one night off a week to pursue this. It would not only help you, but also your son and husband, if you could find yourself again and empower yourself through pursuing something you have always wanted to do. The happier and more energised you are, the happier they will also be. A win-win situation.

[Hobbit]

Thanks Jo, that's great advice. I think we all need to remember at times that we are human. I saw a little slogan once that was good - "have the courage to be imperfect". I like that!!