Protecting child from parent mh problems

[Chilliheeler]

I think my ex partner is having a mental health episode - we broke up a week ago, and I haven't seen or talked with him since then, just messaged about the kids. Lots of flags in his messages.

I'm concerned about how he is going to go solo parenting with our sons (14 and 5yrs, asd) after not seeing them for longer than a week. The little one has some really challenging behaviours.

I don't want to bad mouth him to the kids. But at same time I want them to be equipped to get help if dad loses it or is behaving weird. My big kid has a phone and can call anyone, but my little one is pretty vulnerable. He told me he feels scared when dad gets angry, and he doesn't know how to get help. I encouraged him to go to his brother and to tell his safe people as soon as he sees them. Any other ideas? Books or resources for both?

[AuntGlow]

Hello @Chilliheeler, 

Thank you so much for sharing this with us. 💛

This sounds so incredibly challenging and I can only imagine how concerned you are about your children.  

You are being really proactive here to ensure that they are supported and I can hear you are wanting them to feel safe and connected to dad. I think letting them know that Kids Helpline is available 24/7 for calls or messages would be helpful: https://kidshelpline.com.au/

Let them know they can always call 000 if things feel really unsafe as well... 

Maybe organising a school counsellor/support system could be helpful for them to have someone to talk to? They can be engaged with checking in on things like emotional, mental, and physical safety. 

I am also wondering if there's the option to talk with your ex-partner about what's going on? It sounds like he may need more support to manage his own emotions right now, so even recommending a helpline like Dads In Distress could be helpful? https://www.parentsbeyondbreakup.com/dids

And lastly, what support do you need right now? Do you have any people you can turn to during this time? Will be here to chat when you're ready - Aunt Glow. 🥰✨

[Sugarshack]

As a kid both of my parents were unpredictable and angry, I learned when young how to keep cool under pressure and ultimately have extreme hypervigilance in order to look for fights and calm the parents down before either of them kicked off.

In my family, both brothers took after their father and they have grown into revolting misogynists, one is a manchild, the other is a counterdependent, they each have used tactics learned from their father to dominate our mother, they each have "control"/fear implanted into our unintelligent, weak, enabler mother.

It appears to me that YOU should have having the hard conversations with your kids - "Daddy was always screaming and yelling, and thats why we don't live with him. Screaming and yelling is scary, and its very natural to feel scared when Dad does it. He has a mental illness which means his behaviour is NOT normal. Your dad screams and yells at you, and I am sorry he does that. You have to know your Dad because of the court order, so, you have to tolerate regular screaming and yelling, but, it is not correct behaviour, its mentally ill behaviour. You feel sad about it, and you have to visit your father, but in my house we celebrate happiness and we talk about our problems in a healthy matter"

To me that's truly displaying integrity and leadership as a mother who diverts the abusive behaviour and declares that it is wrong.