Lived Experience Forum

[TAB]

Well said @Sahara and I hat has occurred to me before but somehow I keep going back for more lol well sometimes interactions are okay but on the whole probably not . And it messes with me. And I react. der

[Sahara]

@TAB, 

I think it's really good just to be aware of what goes on with interactions with your family and to think about it. Then step away a bit. If the same things keep happening...then you are able to say 'that's the way it is'.

Do you want to keep engaging or not? If you don't, then that is fine. If you do want to keep engaging (which most people do) then you have to expect that you will get the same responses from your family, time and time again. They probably won't change and don't torture yourself expecting them to change. You could do your head in hoping that your family will change!

In my case, I always kept up the communication...but as soon as I put the phone down, or left their house, or whatever, I would say to myself "ok, what's next?" Then I would go out and do things for myself and let my family slip to the back of my mind. 

l'd straight away switch over to putting myself first and looking after me. Because my job was to be myself and my family's job was to be themselves...whatever they did was their problem. No amount of stressing over it was going to change anything! 

Just look after yourself @TAB. When other people see you putting yourself first, then they will respect you, believe it or not.

[TAB]

I guess it’s because responses/reactions are so inconsistent.
You’re right though. Best to forget them, well not keep contact. Well I guess that wasn’t quite what you meant but I cannot physically visit them so feel obligated in case of father re ringing and well I guess why don’t you talk to me anymore/sucky re sister. And no I don’t say that to her. But she is the ‘sahara’ re roles in this picture and has all the power . Demands trust. Well and does everything re father. Had some good contact with her when gave her kudos etc but thats almost functional in a way re situation even if I am genuine.
Anyway. Am slightly concerned I might be weighing on you with my crap..
I’m ok ish I guess... hope you are too @Sahara 😸

[Sahara]

Hi @TAB,

don't worry, you are not bothering me with your stuff.... these days I know when I need to take a break from other people's 'stuff' and so I take a break, as needed. 

I hear you.... you are getting confusing, inconsistent responses from your family. In my mind, that is probably the worst thing, because you never know what to expect.... it can be very draining. It is probably causing you anxiety (not that I am an expert- I'm just going by my own experiences.)

All my life with my Mum, I felt like I got mixed messages from her and I believe that contributed to me getting an anxiety disorder! Because I never knew where I stood.

I was probably was even attracted to people who kept giving me mixed messages, in my social life, because it was such a familiar game, that I became a bit 'addicted' to it. Very sad!

If this is the case, I think t's good to recognise what is going on, say to yourself "I am getting some very mixed messages here." And there is not a lot you can do about it. Your family are free to be themselves... if giving mixed messages is what they do, they will continue to do it!

If you feel up to it... you can come right out and tell them that you feel they give out confusing, inconsistent messages. If not, then that if perfectly fine, you don't need to say anything, it's enough to recognise it and knowledge the truth to yourself. Then you know where you are at.

The funny thing is... I never confronted my family with most of the stuff I thought about them. I just let it be. It was enough that I knew what was going on.... so as I could have the choice to engage with them or not. A lot of our contact was anxiety-ridden for me, but I chose to have contact with them, regardless.  

Maybe it's a good thing that your sister is looking after your Dad, so as you don't feel obligated? Is there any chance that you could go over and visit your dad or is it out of the question?

[TAB]

Hi @ sahara 😀 yes its a good thing re sister.
No its not an option re visit, went there 3 times last year inc mums funeral, a last xmas together and selfish semi working holiday lol
Im bouncing too close to not being able to support myself re inconsistent work
Anyway last few visits were pretty terrible re him as in father he was ‘unplugged ‘ just raged and yelled and disrespect then last time he did a 180 and grovelled and apologised which made it even worse. So . Cant afford. Doesn’t help me. Doesn’t help him.
Thanks for listening again and glad you are able to manage your exposure to situations 😀

[Sahara]

Hey, @TAB, I think it's nice that your Dad apologised to you... did it make you uncomfortable seeing him humble himself? Try to just think of him as a human being with problems. Maybe lots of problems...

That is how I think of my Mum now. Sometimes I miss her, sometimes I still feel resentment towards her... other times I feel sorry for her, because I felt that she didn't enjoy life, when really, she was lucky, as she had everything she could have wanted... but for some reason she couldn't be happy.

I just see her as a flawed human being. She was multi-faceted, I guess. She did have her good points... she would cook for me and always gave me money, which was nice.  

Try your best to tolerate your Dad... I know it is not easy. Call him when you get the urge. You are good to have travelled over there to 3 times in the last year. That is a lot of travel! Your family would know that you care, otherwise you would have just stayed away. 

One thing I believe is that people have very little idea of the effect they have on our emotions. Your Dad may not know that his ranting and yelling upsets you so much. He just might not see it. We think it should be obvious, but to a lot of people it isn't obvious at all. 

Do you see a professional to talk to about this kind of thing, @TAB?

[TAB]

Hi @Sahara he did know that one time well since he felt so bad about it afterwards .. anyway I'm going to put a pause on this as its old mostly and dont usually think about it. rang out of duty sort of the other day, got stated reaction, time to stop talking about it and wash it off  no I dont see anyone, I dont really think it rates it , well maybe would save my five free visits for me not for how others make me feel lol

...anyways .. sister texted today .. apparently his phone was turned down .. after having to listen to his mis interpretitive judgment/scorn/drivel ..due to his mis hearing and yelling at me that 'you are mumbling' he doesnt speak to anyone else like that re 'you' just derogatory crap anyway all justified as  am such a huge disappointment apparently ha ha  then stupidly mentioned it to sister so shes like well I dont have a problem ..again .. it was 'me' ... haha what a pair of .. anyway thanks for listening again

and am forgetting about it now. 

[Sahara]

Hi @TAB,

I can understand not wanting to talk about it. Sometimes I say to myself "All these things are best left in the past, now" with regards to my parents. Other times I feel like I might still go and see a professional again one day. I am in two minds about it. 

I agree; if you do see a professional, it's important to focus on yourself. But how other people respond to you and interact with you has a big impact on how you see yourself. It's quite natural for this to happen, as we are all social creatures and we are designed to be responsive to others. 

So if you get off the phone after a call where you felt disrespected or misunderstood, of course you will feel down. Everyone does. (If you didn't feel down after that, you could be a sociopath! Someone with no feelings! Not that I am qualified to diagnose anyone.)

But I think that even if you do feel down, you can, with experience accept that feeling and then let go of it. So that  it doesn't ruin your day, your week and then your whole year. You can learn to say "yep, my family is moody and inconsistent and I don't understand where they are coming from. But I'm basically ok." 

Then you go off and do something nice for yourself and you relish your own feelings of being basically Ok. Let your family be themselves and you be you. After a while, you see that they really don't have any power over you and that they aren't in any way responsible for how you feel.

Then you might choose to call them less often, or else you might feel like calling them more often. That is the basics of what I have learnt from therapy.

I probably learnt a whole lot more stuff, too. 

But overall, in life, I think all this led to me spending less time and energy on the difficult people (of which there seems to be thousands!) and more time and energy on the positive people in my life. (There are only a couple of these.)

[TAB]

Hi @Sahara i agree totally re 'in two' minds .. ok if I wasnt reading this I wouldnt be thinking about what happened the other day lol not kidding tho

I can wash things off pretty quickly dunno why was surprised the he could still act like that etc

hope you didnt reply to this before going to work etc, re wasting your time, then I have to to read it etc, very tongue in cheek but think hve done this subject as said the other day. thanks for your replies i might re visit them if needed in the future 

[Sahara]

Absolutely not wasting my time at all @TAB, becuase I am still working out all these things for myself and writing helps me process stuff.

I'm not working at the moment, I'm a full-time student and I have all the time in the world. 

Feel free to communicate whenever you like.