Lived Experience Forum

[Sahara]

Hi @Owlunar, @MoonGal, @Phoenix_Rising, @Former-Member, @TAB and all,

Today my hubby and I are back home- it was hard leaving Dad's house, knowing that house in now empty of life. It's like the house is lonely without my Dad and his dog to fill it. 

Each time I had to go into Dad's bedroom to put away some laundry or some other things, I felt heart-broken. That was the room we nursed him in. He couldn't really get out of bed during the last 2 days.The room smelt like my Dad, but in a good way.

I noticed my Sis had put Dad's toilet bag in a stack of stuff to be thrown out. It broke my heart to see such a personal item of his being discarded, so I rescued it and put it back in him room.I hung up some of his jackets, which had just been through the laundry, on coat-hangers and put them back in his room. I guess doing these things really was pointless, but I couldn't let go.... I felt I had to do them.

In the end, I could barely look at the room and kept the door three quarters closed. 

The last t-shirt that Dad wore before he had to leave in the ambulance had been washed and dried and I cried into it. I let my tears fall into the shirt, then I folded it carefully. It was so sad.

The last 2 and a half years have been so sad... with Dad constantly grieving for my Mum and me not feeling I had a place or a right to grieve properly, because Dad's grief overtook all other grief..... 

This time it will be different because at least now I don't have to worry about one parent being left behind... to grieve alone, because now they are both gone. 

During my Dad's last few weeks, before he died, I really missed my Mum because I kept wanting her advice. I kept wanting to ask her what to do about Dad. I wished she were there and that she would know how to care for him properly. But she wasn't there.

There is no-one there. They are both gone.

I am here in our quiet house. I think my husband is asleep. I don't want him to hear me crying.

[TAB]

You write really well @Sahara .. Its probably a good thing that you went there and saved things.I agree re feeling of alone after mum went and father soon most likely. I guess I never realised what an effect they had on my life. It’s good to get it out. Maybe try the counsellor again? You might surprise yourself how strong you are though. Nothing wrong with grieving. It’s a Process. . You don’t have to reply. I’ve heard you.

[MoonGal]

@Sahara, your way of telling us about these difficult times is so poised and real. I feel for you in your grief, and am glad you can grieve now, a double grief, for your Mum and Dad and the life changes their passing have wrought. You are a beautiful, caring adult-child of their making. 

Very poignant time, as memories come and go, as moments relived. You have done such a great job of everything, you can be proud of yourSelf for your strength and honesty. 

May your days grow one on the other in healing and health. Thank you for sharing and including me in these shares, It means a lot.

🌹

[Sahara]

Thanks @TAB, I am doing ok. My husband saw that I had been crying and gave me a back rub and I felt  a bit better.

I am also drinking some wine, which I know I should not be doing. The other secret thing is that I managed to find some of my old calming meds and now have them at my disposal. If my Sis and Bro knew about this, they would be worried about me. But I have taken this medication before and know all about it and I know it suits me. I am very careful with meds and alcohol. hic. 

Thanks, I am having phone counseling with the hospice social worker again in about 10 days time. Is today Tues? I can't keep track of the days. I think she is pretty nice.

I am pretty keen to keep having counselling, as if by any chance I start to fall behind on my PhD studies, then I will have a record of how upset I was at the time. The counsellor I'm sure would give some kind of evidence, in the form of a letter. 

I am sorry if you feel alone, @TAB. It can happen to thebest of us. I like talking to you. Feel free to keep writing. 

[Sahara]

Thanks @MoonGal,

you are nice to say those things. I am stuggling a bit- I'm not exactly strong. It is hard with both parents gone.... even though there were struggles and dysfunction in our family - they were all I knew.

Luckily I have my husband. Actually he just ducked out of the house, so I feel free to cry again. 

[Former-Member]

My dear @Sahara - a beautiful post straight from the heart. I shed a tear with you 😪

I would of done exactly the same - retriving your father's personal things. Too soon.

The house would feel empty but your heart will never be as your mum and dad will be in it keeping it warm and looking over you. Love never dies xx

[TAB]

Aww thanks @Sahara re talking . Umm the alone thing I suppress mostly. So don’t think about it and it’s not a problem. Sounds like you are doing okay. If things came up for me I just drowned them out with good memories and told self I was lucky to have them as a parent and remembered them well

[Former-Member]

That is beautiful @TAB. You are so wise

[TAB]

Haha, in theory notso much in practice maybe @Former-Member yes I do have a soul .. somewhere 😸 Thankyou 😀

[Appleblossom]

Dear @Sahara You did what you had to do.  Thank you for sharing it on here.