Lived Experience Forum

[D1ng0]

(TW: Discussion of an eating disorder.) I recently had some testing done, and today the results came back. My ED has caused internal physical damage. I didn't even know that this type of damage could occur in someone like me, since I'm still relatively functional and don't necessarily look like I have an ED. (Edit: I know that's bullshit social stigma I've internalised, it's something I'm struggling with due to how my body appears.) I thought the testing was just a precaution. I truly didn't expect that the results would be abnormal. I thought I was doing okay. I didn't want to believe that my past eating patterns could have caused any ongoing damage. Even though I know that ED sufferers don't all look the same, I was clinging to the hope that I was never truly unwell because, to look at me, you wouldn't know how disordered my eating was/is.

I'll be meeting with my GP soon, to understand what this means for me, and how we should proceed. I also have the support of a dietician and a psychologist, but I'm not seeing either of them for a bit, and I don't really have anyone else to talk to. So, that's why I'm making this post.

I'm pretty scared by the results being abnormal. It feels really, really difficult to eat in a moderate way, and the stakes seem incredibly high now, since I was hurting my body without even knowing it... just using food, of all things. For some reason, the idea that food intake could have harmed my body so much still seems bizarre. Sometimes I understand my ED and feel confident as I talk about it. Right now I just feel overwhelmed.

I'm frightened of eating the wrong way and hurting myself more. I'm still dealing with depression, anxiety, chronic pain, obsessive thoughts, etc. And after the recent online abuse I experienced, I'm just so damn tired, even beyond the chronic fatigue. I don't want life to be this difficult anymore. Everything seems to be stacking up. Before I can handle the newest issue, another one is dominating everything. I swing between being calm and at peace with my situation, to being frustrated and numb. I barely even recognise the things I did/said two days ago. I know that, in 24 hours, I'll probably swing to either intense hopelessness or positivity.

Some nice words would be appreciated, if anyone here has the time? Or maybe some solidarity? I know my situation isn't totally unique. It'd be great to know that other people have found a way through an onslaught of health issues, to eventually live a more peaceful life... especially if you have faced an ED too. Thanks in advance, folks. I hope you're doing okay.

[NatureLover]

So sorry to hear...that's frightening news to hear, @D1ng0 😢

I hope you are OK...

I have to rush to a GP appt now, but I hope poeple will be along shortly to give you support... 

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @D1ng0,

I am so sorry to hear that so much has been happening recently, and it's all so overwhelming. Managing our physical and mental health can be a lot at times.

I am glad you have your GP, psych, and dietician to help you with this. Although I do not have expertise in this area, I could relate to the emotions you described in your post. 

I got diagnosed with a lifelong condition at the beginning of this year, which took a significant toll on my mental health. As you described, I would have periods of intense hopelessness and then some periods of positivity. It was a roller coaster. I can empathise with you.

As time went on, the roller coaster slowed down a bit. I started to make peace with what had happened. Some days, I still get sad that it happened, but as cliche as it sounds, on those days, I have to do my best, be grateful for what I have, and let the day pass. I am sorry if this is not helpful; I thought I'd share my experience with you.
Life is incredibly challenging at times, but you and other members on forums remind me time and again just how resilient human beings can be. We're all here with you. Things will get better soon. You are not alone. ❤️

[D1ng0]

Hey @lavenderhaze, thanks very much for sharing your experiences. It definitely is helpful, and does give me hope. I'm sorry you got that diagnosis by the way, it sounds like it was quite difficult to handle. If you're more at peace these days, that is lovely to hear.

Thank you for the support, regardless of whether our conditions differ. It feels nice to have someone saying they're here for me.

I feel like the unreliable narrator of my own story... One day I'll talk a big game and act like I know what I'm doing, but the universe seems to constantly call my bluff 😅 I thought things were evening out, but nah, the hits just keep on coming. It is great to be reminded that other people's rollercoaster journeys have eventually settled. Hopefully I'll experience that, too.

I hope you have a good afternoon, and thank you again.

[D1ng0]

Thanks @NatureLover, it's definitely scary. I'm hoping that my GP can tell me whether the issue is fully reversible or not. My ED has been unmanaged for years and years, so I truly don't know what shape I'm in. I'd cross my fingers and hope for the best, but I'm wary of hoping too much 😓

I hope your GP appointment went smoothly 👍

[Bow]

Hi @D1ng0  can kind of relate in some ways. I’m in the depths of an ED (atypical anorexia) and am constantly struggling with medical stability. Thankfully (depends who you ask) I’ve not done any permanent damage as of yet. But my gp constantly reminds me of the risks. 
I too don’t look like someone with an ED, I’m in a larger body (that has its own struggles with ED treatment unfortunately) there is a lot of mistreatment, invalidation and medical trauma. 

So, I’m sorry about your current situation and hope for your sake that things can be reversed? Or at the least be managed with little impact on your lifestyle. 

[D1ng0]

Hey @Bow, thank you for the empathy, and for sharing where your journey is at. Before being diagnosed with Bulimia, I was actually assessed to have Atypical Anorexia, so I know what you're talking about when it comes to invalidation and accessing treatment. I hope it's obvious that, in my post, I'm saying I don't "look" like I have an ED, as in, that's a social stigma I'm struggling with and have internalised. I've clung to a false image of EDs as a way to believe I'm not truly at risk. I don't actually believe that there's only one "real" way to look as an ED sufferer. I hope it wasn't triggering or invalidating to read my post. I'm a bit messy right now so I'm constantly worried I'm upsetting others. I was diagnosed relatively recently and it's all very new and overwhelming.

Thanks for the well-wishes. I hope that the damage can be reversed, too. And I really hope that your struggles ease.