Lived Experience Forum

[jimjam29]

Hey, This is my first time posting and I'm hoping this is the right place to say this. I am 33, work long hours in advertising. Have wonderful friends, my family is in another country but I am loved.I just can't seem to feel the same way about myself and I really don't understand how to do it. I hate being on my own, nothing really brings me joy. I distract myself with work, or alcohol in the evenings. I've tried everything - writing, cooking, excercise classes, painting, reading, therapy, medication etc. tried watch tv etc but nothing calms my mind in the evenings when I'm alone - so I turn to drink.I am told that I need to love myself and should enjoy being on my own but I don't and I feel like it's getting worse and worse recently. I can't let go of my ex either and I know I put too much emphasis on how he feels about me. If he loves me and is happy with me, that gives me all my validation. Having his attention is an addiction in itself.I just am really lost, feeling so lonely and sad but have no motivation to talk to my friends, or ask them to come and see me. I have so many messages to reply to and it's too overwhelming so i'm hoping this forum might help.I want to know to love myself, be happy, and when it gets to the evenings not just drink myself to sleep or to quiet my mind. I joined this today, and downloaded Daybreak. But I'm worried about this evening and how to get through today where I don't have work or not drink.

[lavenderhaze]

Hi @jimjam29,

I am sorry you're struggling with loving yourself. I can empathize with that, and it is definitely a journey that everyone is on. Building a relationship with yourself and getting to that point takes a lot of self-reflection and inner work. 

I am curious about where you see yourself in that journey? You mentioned you had tried therapy, and I wondered if that was a space where you could process your feelings?

From my experience, I relate to what you have said - I struggle with validating my feelings and seeking external validation, which results in dependence on other people, especially in romantic relationships. 

I am assuming drinking is a way for you to distract yourself from uncomfortable thoughts and feelings?

There is a lot to unpack in your post, and I think it would be helpful to explore this in 1:1 counselling or therapy support if you're open to it?

[kar]

Dear jimjam29,

Sorry you are going through this.

Feeling lonely, having low self esteem and ruminating thoughts is hard, it sucks. I’ve been there, even with lots of friends and family that loved me, my own house and good paying job.

I wish there was a quick fix, but it’s all going to be a process. Given you have so much going for you, and the fact you take the initiative to do things that keep you active.

I’m sure I don’t need to tell you that the drinking doesn’t serve you at all. That’s the first thing you need to rein in or abstain from completely if there is a sense you are addicted.

You mention that you’ve tried medication, but have you tried more than one? It can be a process to find what works for you. I would also suggest finding a doctor that is a champion for your mental health… so make sure it’s the right doctor treating you.

Finally, cut yourself some slack. Life is not meant to be perfect. Making permanent changes will take time but you will eventually get to a place where you can be content.

If you loved before you will likely love again, in the meantime look deeply within, do your research or explore counselling again to work through the self esteem issues. Sorry to sound cheesy, but it’s true that learning to love yourself will help improve your outlook on life.

Wishing you the best on your life journey. 

[BossBaby]

@jimjam29 I went through life completely sober until I was 28. Although some might argue I'd been drunk on the Holy Spirit. From 28 I smoked weed until my dry eyes couldn’t handle the air conditioning at my new job four years ago. It took 10 years to start feeling a hangover as well, waking up with headaches regularly. And I was looking at my jaundiced skin one day in the mirror and said, I think I need to stop smoking. My daughter looked up at me quickly like I’d just uttered a password or cracked some code. So there were a few protective factors going for me and because I don’t drink alcohol (unless it tastes like sangria) I have been completely sober for four miserable years. I say that with a resigned smile because I’ve had too much fun already so am willing to just have a stable life with reliable finances for the next decade or two. But the lessons and the social skills I gained while becoming more relaxed can’t be completely unlearned. My personality might be a bit high strung again but I know how to let a thought go. And I am going to at least wait till it’s legal if I ever touch my preferred vice again. I just wonder, is it possible for you to take the calming qualities of drinking without taking the drink? I appreciate you've tried every distraction and for me I waited till my body had enough and it got in the way of a job I wanted to keep. I hope the support you receive here will all help in your efforts to move on.