I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I’m not feeling it right now @Jynx. Maybe I’m just too tired. I’m in trouble if I’m tired before I start. 

I guess I’m trying to be happy but it’s a bit of work. I was hoping the medication did it. Give me a huge push. 

I don’t know. All I know is that I feel different and it’s strange. 

Have a good night and I’ll see you Tuesday. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 happiness IS work!! Buuut only really at first. Like anything in recovery, it's a skill you can practice!! (I feel like that line needs to be permanently scribed under my name or something LOL) 

Like literally you're re-learning how to activate those more positive neural pathways, getting your vibrations higher and stuff. Recovery is definitely strange, I tell ya what!! I'm constantly baffled 😅

Ugh wouldn't it be cool if we could do forums karaoke ahahaha

Hope work hasn't been too gnarly for you tonight. Catch you Tuesday lovely one. 

Oh!! And if you're bored over next few days come join the Egg Hunt!! Hehehe

[Captain24]

I tried to be happy @Jynx but I think being tired makes it harder. I did feel a little better during my nightshifts in the earlier part of the shift anyway. I also got put on a dump with an operator that I reported for harassing and bullying me. I did just fine. Except one time I backed into the wrong spot and moved forward to respot and she said over the two way to move forward and respot. I said over the two way ‘I already am!’ She never said another word. 

Im feeling a little more confident in myself at times. Not often but it is there. 

I just had the appointment with my psych and told her that we came to the conclusion that my bucket of shit was full and the snake exploded it. I told her of my complete meltdown and she said it sounded almost primal. 

We talk through some stuff, she asked about suicidal thoughts and I said no but that I just don’t want to be alive anymore. 

We talked about the snake. My distress levels went through the roof. She asked me if I was comfortable to go outside to the spot the snake was in and I said NO. I think she wanted me to take the computer out there! lol. She asked me a few questions on what I do but I told her that I don’t go out there. I take the dogs out to do their business and that’s it. I told her that the fear is really bad. The snake deterrent stick boxes have a snake on them and even looking at that snake sends shivers down my spine. She asked if I could look at a drawing of a snake or a cartoon and I said no. Turns out I have a snake phobia! I told her it was ridiculous how one experience can cause so much fear. Apparently it’s quite common and with how close to it I was it’s not surprising. 

Now we are doing exposure therapy. She was describing cartoon snakes that she was looking at and checking my distress levels. I was distressed but it did slowly decrease and then she described a cartoon one that was brown. My levels went straight back up. 

Now I have to write about a snake twice a day until my distress levels are lowering, then I have to look at snake cartoons if I get to that stage

[Jynx]

Wow @Captain24 that's a lot!! Did you have this much fear prior, you reckon? 

How've you been going writing about it? Does this count, talking about it here?

[Captain24]

It’s been a big day @Jynx. I’m not sure I like exposure therapy. It hurts too much. 

I had a fear of snakes. I did see one on a bush walk I did when I was on holidays. I just let it slither past. I was scared but ok. 

I haven’t written anything yet. I’m suppose to write a description but it scares me too much.

I don’t see her for 3 weeks now. Unless I get out of next Tuesdays nightshift. I’m waiting to hear back from work. 

I’ve been nominated for a peer support champion at work. I have training next Wednesday and Thursday. So I’m hoping I can get out of Tuesday night otherwise I’ll be getting home from work and straight into training with no sleep.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 Can't really picture a lotta people who would say 'Oh boy, exposure therapy is a groovy and relaxing time! 👍'

It's a lot, hey! Take some deep breaths, and I can sit with you while you give it a go? But only if you wanna!! 

OMG congrats that's amazing! Sounds like you're being rewarded wiiiith more work! Ahaha but are ya keen for it? 

[Captain24]

She was really amazing with me @Jynx. So gentle and checked in constantly. Made sure I kept breathing and then just before we ended the session she talked me through grounding and a breathing exercise and to stretch out my tense muscles. I felt safe with her. I just have to work hard to keep feeling that way for 3 weeks. 

Even the thought of putting the washing on the line scares me. The clothesline is around that side of the house. But I have to do my washing. 

My distress level is at an 8 even thinking about it. I don't think I can do it. But I’m torn between my distress and what I told her I would do. 

Im hoping that the training isn’t too hard. My social anxiety has certainly been activated! But it’s nice to have been considered. I’m guessing they are considering my lived experience to be a factor in my ability to help others. Yes more work but I think it may be rewarding. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 oooh a stretch sounds pretty choice actually, imma do some now if you wanna join!! 

But yeah that's awesome, sounds like she's being super understanding and helpful!! 

Just do your best with the exercises, see how you go!! Sometimes exercises like that are more about gauging where you're at than they are about pushing you to make progress. If you struggle too much, it's okay to tap out and come back to it later/another day 😉

Yeah sounds like a great opportunity! You know much about what it will involve?

[Captain24]

She was really watching me throughout @Jynx. There was one part where she was describing the cartoon of a blue snake and I jumped. I laughed and she was onto it real quick. I said I was sorry but Jett just jumped on my legs. Scared the shit outta me!

So I’m not a failure if I can’t do it. I break into a sweat if I even go to try. I just don’t want to let her down. 

Im not sure what’s involved. But I'm hoping I'm good enough to be able to support those that need it.

[Jynx]

@Captain24 You can try to see it as practice for emotional regulation skills too - breathing through the intense heartrate and stuff for example! But yeah just take it slow hun, I don't know a lot about exposure therapy except that there's no point pushing yourself because that could just reaffirm that fearful neural wiring! 

It might help if you realise that peer support has nothing to do with being 'good enough' and everything to do with just .... being human! If you can connect with someone on that human level, it doesn't matter if you don't have all the answers. I tell you when I don't know the answers, but you tend to be appreciative anyway - cos it's more about me having put effort into caring about you, right? SO... this also means you know what it's like to be on the receiving end of quality peer support, I reckon you'll be a-okay at providing it!! 😋

PS helping out with a webinar so I'll be back in a bit!