I can’t cope

[Captain24]

I feel sick for it though @Jynx. I guess it was something. It just adds more mess to clean up. It’s so hard to find something good when it adds to more stuff to do. 

I can’t even remember the last time I had a proper steak. I guess that’s something to aim for if I get through this. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 ugh I know right, the never-ending nightmare of the dishes...does my head in. 

Ooh that's such an awesome goal!! A hearty steak, maybe beachside, with those flamey torches, just on dusk when the sky is that gorgeous pink and pale blue, just the sound of waves crashing... Surf and turf!! 

[Captain24]

The never ending anything @Jynx 

If I do make it to have a steak it will actually be surf and turf! 

How do you find motivation when the only motivation is to end it? I’m just sitting on the lounge there is only one thing that wants to get me off it. 

[Jynx]

@Captain24 I think that's why so many safety plan templates have a question around our reasons to stay, ya know? To have that motivational thing ready to go.

I know your doggos are a huge reason that you stay, maybe that could motivate you? Getting some cuddles and tucking the lil tykes into bed? 

OMG yay!! Surf and turf, I look forward to seeing you have it!! Victory steak!! 😊

[Captain24]

It’s hard when they would be better off Mum looks after them better than I do. @Jynx Pix is asleep on my massive pile of dirty clothes and Jett is curled up in a little ball next to me. 

Im really sorry. Forget about me 

[Jynx]

Huh? What do you even mean @Captain24 lol you have totally told me stories about how your mum does things, she is NOT better 🤣

My dear, those dogs have but ONE pack member they adore above all others, and that's you!!

Mmm nope, said I'd never give up on you and that is still true. I may be logging off soon but I won't be forgetting bout ya!! I always think about our awesome community when I'm not here. That's why I'm doin stuff like coming back with memes all 'oi saw this and thought of you' 😝

I'm gonna skedaddley doo soon. Your only goals for tonight I reckon are to give your dogs a cuddle, and crash out in bed, not on couch. I think that's accomplishable, don't you?

[Jynx]

@Captain24 night hun 💜🫂 

[Captain24]

Sometimes I wonder @Jynx They both do love when I say go to nanny’s. 

I wouldn’t blame you if you did give up. I’m just too much hard work. I’m just not getting any better. I’m just a failure and I don’t want to hurt you if i make certain decisions. 

Im still on the lounge. I can try to go to bed soon. It’s like I don’t have the energy. 

I know you have gone by now but I wish you a good day for tomorrow.

Thanks for talking to me tonight. I’m sorry it’s all so dark though. 

[Captain24]

I know I said to forget about me and I really do mean it @Jynx. I don’t want to bring you down too. I don’t want to hurt you. 

Im writing to you though as I need to get this out. 

I’ve made it to bed. It wasn’t easy. I put Pix and Jett on my bed but both have jumped off. They don’t care about me either. I knew they’d be better off. 

Im laying here wide awake. I guess that’s my fault. But the thoughts won’t stop running around. They are relentless. I don’t want them. I don’t want me. I have so much more I really need to say but I’m scared of the consequences. 

[Captain24]

I’m still awake an hour later. My meds don’t seem to be working for sleep either. Why bother taking them. They are useless anyway. 

Jett has finally jumped in my bed and is now asleep beside me. It’s nice to know that he actually cares. 

The thoughts are still so dark. Still going around in my head. The biggest one is the hardest to try and stop. In a way it’s good I don't have the energy to get out of bed. Well good for others not myself though. Oh how I wish. Without anything changing it will be one day soon. I really don’t think anyone would care anyway.