This will explain where I am at in life atm. I sent this to my pschologist.
The issue is work. I was able to speak to both my dad and mum during this week about it. Broadly speaking, work is just one facet of a problem I am in the middle of - there are other parts as well. Namely, the problem I am having at the moment in relation to knowing what to do and where to go - I actually just have no idea really. I got a tad upset on the way home yesterday talking my dad about it all and how hard it was, how angry I was that I have no idea.
The past 3 days at work have been quite trying. I slept a lot last night (i think about 10 hours or so). Fair to say it is having a negative effect on my moods, my attitude and my confidence in who I am and again, where I am headed in life.
When I took that month off back in August I was struggling to come to terms with whether or not I would quit my job and try to find something else. In the end I resolved to stay in the absence of a viable alternative. I made myself a promise that I would keep going at least until the end of the year. I'm close to that now and I am finding it hard to cope.
As I hinted at earlier, I was considering going to the ED but I guess last time I went they made it clear that if things get THAT bad next time then by all means go there but at the same time remember that the ED is a last resort for when things are really bad. I had that experience on Tuesday afternoon, save for one experience at work when I was talking to a colleague and laughing about something. If that didn't occur, I guess I would've gone to the ED. But even then, come Wednesday I was terrible at 11am. I wanted to leave without explaining anything. I spent the last hour of the day froliking about doing nothing in particular.
I'm still unsure if taking the month again is a potential course of action - but I do know that it will free up time for me to concentrate on polishing off my CV/Resume and looking for new jobs and places to apply to. My approach in August to that course of action was very different - I didn't want anything to do with finding a new job because I was so unsure.
I find that the work itself is dull, monotonous and perhaps most of all... soul crushing. In the sense that I am having no positive affect on anyone or anything. I just feel like a cog in the machine and I know for a fact that I deserve much better and am capable of much more. The present situation is one in which I can't prove that with my current job - and I have little experience before that. I guess I'm revealing how conflicted the situation feels for me at the moment anyway..
I know that I will need that month, but it is simply a case of deciding when to take it.
In terms of other aspects of life - further study potentially (no idea if i want to incur more debt, what to study specifically and if it is at all worth it anyway), friendships (paranoid about not being included), relationships (no dates despite getting matches, I have no stamina to talk about myself and my direction and what i do because i hate what i do and i have no idea where to go next in life so therefore basically no direction) and my living situation (at home at the age of 27 which I know is not uncommon, but it is
something that bugs me combined along with the other problems I am having).
The past few days I haven't bothered to think too much about it because it is too depressing. I genuinely do feel like I am on the precipice of some sort of downward trend in my mental and physical health (i have really lost interest in physical fitness as a result of growing bored in life and my trajectory.... I don't see value in being fit.. or at least not as fit as what I could be... I don't want to become completely lazy..)
I don't know if that answers your question but it has turned into a bit of a rant at some level - but i hope it reveals my current situation.
If I could book an appointment asap that'd be best. In terms of leave from work I can just email my boss and say that I need it and that I can get a certification of some type to him. But yes, as I said, I want to make sure it's the right decision before I do so.
Emergency, police & ambulance (24 Hrs)
Connect with a lifeline crisis supporter (24 Hrs)
Suicide callback service (24 Hrs)
Kids helpline (24 Hrs)
13 YARN