Motion - new pathways - air -sea -land -us

[chibam]

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@Former-Member wrote:

Were you allowed to ask your own questions without derision or silencing?

Were you allowed to express your own opinions?

I ask these questions because the answers for all for me are no to each one.

Same, @Former-Member  😢. If you don't just "get it" with mainstream society, they have no sympathy for you. Your not aloud to have dreams if they aren't their dreams.

The crazy/infuriating thing is that there are other people out there who manage to get invited into new households and forge new families. Others who manage to get "hands-on" jobs where they aren't trapped behind a keyboard; and forge a family with their colleagues as they build real things together. Why was I never able to reroute my life onto those tracks? The people around me used to make out that the things I'd wished for were impossible. Then how come others got to have them?

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@Former-Member wrote:

I sense loss as that is my own experience 

loss of me.

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That's strange. I didn't lose "me", but what I lost was the life I dreamed of.

It still haunts me, wondering if I'd have gotten a better deal if I'd veered more towards appeasing others, rather then pursuing my dreams. Would they have been kinder to me? Would they have given me the same help that others get?

I can't help but suspect that my life would've been infinitely uglier then it is now. That I would've been locked up tightly within the ugly life that they sought to condemn me to. But I still have doubts.

It's probably a moot point. I suspect I'd never have been able to properly appease them, because I've never understood them. When you don't understand people, you can't satisfy them, because you can't understand what they want.

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@Former-Member wrote:

Does this mean that you want them to have the same opinions as you.. think similarly?

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Yes. Very much so. I'm sick to death of not being able to understand people. Sick to death of being unable to effectively communicate. Sick to death of being surrounded by people who need a phonebook-thick manual on how to handle their counterintuitive nature, in order to make any progress with. There's no novelty in that sort of life for me. It's just tiresome... and altogether futile.

I want to be with people who aren't hard work to have to deal with. I don't want people who I have to think real hard about how to handle them. I want people I can just talk and act freely and natural around. No mental gymnastics, no "playing the game"; just saying what's on my mind.

I don't want to be unique or "interesting"; I just want to be one of the guys.

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@Former-Member wrote:

You had your choices taken away from you and all choices were made for you...

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In many ways, just the opposite.

It's not a bad thing, having a "boss" govern your fate. The problems arise when the boss isn't aiming to make your life the way you want it to be.

I often think about Brittney Spears, and that situation she was in where her dad was basically in control of her whole life; and it sucked because he was misusing that power; controlling her in a way that suited him, not her.

But it makes me think, how awesome it would be if we could have arrangements like that, but with "bosses" that are guaranteed to only use their powers to make their "underlings" lives look the way those "underlings" want their lives to look. For example, Brittney's dad apparently forbade her from marrying the guy she wanted to marry. What if he'd done the exact opposite, and told her to marry the guy she wanted much earlier?

[StanD]

Hello @EternalFlower I hope it's ok I reply, you only tagged @Former-Member 

Thankyou for being trusting. I can understand your situation so much clearer now. Therefore my advice of 'take your meds' was the wrong advice for you. I didn't listen. Sorry. Thankyou for supporting my post. You listened to me. That was a little backwards. You are truly a beautiful, patient, insightful person.

My life experience led me respond the way I did. I am used to interacting with people who feel only 'anti-med.' I have tried to help them by encouraging meds. 

My personal life experience, as previously mentioned is that I know I need them - even tho I would prefer I didn't.

You are much more intelligent about your choices. It was very wrong & counter-productive to dismiss your reasons the way I did. 

I overlooked your reasons. And I already know you are sensitive& intelligent.

Each of us have to make the right choices for ourselves.

From the outside, these choices might look irresponsible, or a path we cannot personally understand at the time.

I cannot give you advice about your choices, based on my life. That is silly!

I was coming from a place of caring, & ignorance. Sorry again. I probably added to your distress.

Oh, this is so hard. I don't want to hurt people. I will try very hard to remember this lesson you have taught me.

I have a tendency to get lost too.

I think the reason you described is perfectly rational. I'm sorry you were put in a position where you needed to explain. You have probably had more than enough of this with medical people & supports in your physical life.

This forum is meant to be about creating a safe space for all of us.

Barriers being, we only get small pieces of information about one another. The learning can take longer.

We also share very deep parts of ourselves that we might not be able to in person, so easily.

This can create a false sense of knowing one another intimately.  As @tonys mentioned in his message to me yesterday, the computer screen hides so much.

I am Autistic Lvl 2 as well. 

My understandings of the world can be very deep. 

Often, the practical side of life is overly simplified. I have lots of trouble with simple tasks. Eg, I am a very safe, cautious driver. Never (rarely) speed. I have lived in this town for years. I cannot see directions, roads ahead in my mind's eye. Even if I have driven their 100s of times before. It takes real concentration to figure out where I need to go. 

Not always. But, noticeably more confusing for me, than most drivers. 

If people only ever saw me like this, they would probably perceive that my disability is quite severe.

Other times, I can be very capable in life. I can outdo everyone around me.

Sorry, I made this about me..I do that lots. Thankyou for filling in my blanks. I'm very sorry if my comments caused you further distress.

I think it's smart & wise to research meds first. And never feel pressured to any medication you don't want to. 

Why didn't your doctor support you on this? 

At times I trust others. If I don't know the answer, I throw caution to the wind & rely that I am being given the right advice. No research, dive in. 

Btw, how are you feeling today?

Mostly, thankyou for being trusting & honest here. You are beautiful & wonderful. I feel very privileged. I will try my best not to break your trust. It's what I want too.

[StanD]

@tonys moon base one 

How are your new squealers? How many did mum have? How big are they?

I woke up today & thought about your rabbit & best ever dream. Then I realised I have not been dreaming lately. 

I wanted to reply while I'm fresh. How did you feel writing me this letter? In my mind you were taking a risk. Were you scared or are you assured? I see bravery. It had the desired effect. I needed to process. One of the advantages of letters.

I like this version of tonys the best so far. I can relate to this tonys. You give me more than anyone ever has. You see me... now? Maybe I shouldn't ask that. No, I shouldn't. Boundaries are essential for me to learn. I didn't know.... and yet...I don't think I will ever fully 'grow up'...be tamed.. Horses are broken in. Are you surprised I know that? Wild horses are who we are.

I digress. 

I like the tonys who makes me laugh & the magical mystery poet author. Who wouldn't. They are dangerous for me. You know this already.

When I am alone & a child. I love having a laugh and knowing I'm cared for. 

It's not quite right. I know this. I needed it.

Poetry & classical music. I'm not ready. Is anyone?

Not me. Not yet. 

I need here for now. Can we do this?

I am needed.

Huh..

As for your happiness sausages - I don't know where to begin.

I know you don't need my advice. I wanted to say, I want to read your pain. You look after everyone. I want to know your pain too. That is your choice. It's scary isn't it. Your pain deserves to be heard. That's what I wanted to give you.

The internet & forums don't feel safe for me. Privacy required for private terrors.

You said

We know a good heart and someone in need and pain when we see it. Don't be hard on yourself, There are lots of folks who hide and control it but they are in your trench. questioning, hurting, measuring all thats lost and gained just like you.  

I don't see myself like this. It makes me feel bad, or that you pity me. My life is ROUGH. I don't want to burden lovely folk here..and, it's private info - NOT public. 

I am a survivor. I am in the midst of It. I don't need people to pity me. I need to be supported because it is the human thing to do. I don't want to be taken under your wing. I want to fly. 

I'm not leaving the platoon. Where on earth would I go? I'm  loyal. Loyal to the wrong person is all.

I'm letting go of undoing thoughts. I'm allowed to ask questions. You can answer, or not.

Thanks guys👍

[tonys]

@StanD    hey there stan.   nice my friend  You are chipping away at a wall and there is a flood beyond imagining.   I feel the ground shake. . .  but to do your letter justice I need to take my time with it..    I'm back on the tractor this arvo.   but I will be crunching more than the gears,  you can count on it.

So will chat with you after all the critters,   workers,   and me  have been watered and fed. .  .

and I've popped a cork..

take care  friend.    .. . .  till then          tonys moon base 1

[EternalFlower]

Hi @StanD I'm sorry I tagged the wrong person so I am glad U tagged me, thank.

Your comments really helped me.

I have emailed the dr telling him I need more time with my medication choices. I can't do it like that. It is annoying I now have to wait a other week..that is the hard part and the self hating part of me with being unwell is I go and I forget to advocate or stand up for myself.

None of my queries got resolved in session. I am tired and not sleeping and using meds that no longer work and it's all quite a drag !

I get being cautious with questions about meds and feel you. It is ok to say what U feel and ur experiences with medications and I will not get upset. 

I hate taking them but reality is stopping suddenly sint good and I have to proceed carefully. 

I think in that moment with Dr I felt all the past truama of coercion in the MH system..like he was coercing me to take it and decide within sixity seconds. It felt bad.

It's like it's my choice but he couldn't deal with the fact that I may decline and bad just allocated twenty seconds for me to nod my head yes with no understanding that I might have questions or concerns. My main concern is financially honestly, the medication isn't covered by PBS.

I read your experiences and respect them totally and respect you for being sensitive to where I was coming from.

Thank U and I appreciate you.

[LeChuck]

Thank you for tagging me @Former-Member.

I am still catching up. There is a lot to process and learn from everyone's words. 

But I am excited to perhaps be a part of the journeys you are all taking. 

My favourite mode of transport is car. I love to be in a little metal bubble speeding across the face of the world. Following lines and paths but knowing I choose which lines and paths, and that I can also choose not to follow them at all. I put my music on and am in a cocoon. There is nothing I can do but drive. All other tasks are suspended. The world is in flux but I am in stasis in my bubble and it is a moment of peace. Of being completely unavailable to the world. I guess that is true of most forms of travel. The world leaves you alone for a while when you are busy moving around it.

Thanks for listening.

Lechuck

[StanD]

Hello @tyme @chibam @EternalFlower @Former-Member @tonys 

@tyme I don't know you. I am new. Could you please confirm that SANE sent me an email today? 

No name was attached to email. 

It asked me if I was impersonating another member & wanted me to confirm my identity.

I couldn't answer yes or no because either way, I would be revealing private information about myself.

The email felt quite invasive & inapropriate. 

It has left me feeling less safe on this site.

As a new member it is important I feel welcomed.

As stated in my reply, I cannot help you if I remind anyone of another member. Life is Strange.

At least that is my experience.

Thankyou tyne

[tyme]

Hey @StanD ,

Let me check for you and I'll let you know. I'm sorry about this. It seems to have caused some upset. 

tyme

[EternalFlower]

Hi everyone...

Bit tentative to reach out and hoping to be understood, to be safe...

Hoping people feel safe here too. Thank U ❣️ for being on this thread with me.

I am sorry U are struggling @StanD I think you're doing well.

Thank U @Former-Member I read ur reply as well , appreciate it.

The past few days are testing me and I did call a helpline which really validated where I was at. My Dr and I had an email exchange I was fairly bold and said that I felt rushed in session, to which he replied he did his best but I was late to session, to which I replied that I am having trouble transporting myself to sessions because I am not sleeping well and feeling agoraphobic and unable to leave my house.

I stood up for myself but now feel a bit shaky as I wander if I was right to do so. I also know I have grown braver over time and will say when something hurts, which is what has happened.

I also received advice over email as to how to use meds to sleep over the next week, ie a dosage and prescribed stabilising course to get me through to the next session. I can also try book in an earlier session if I can't wait a week. Maybe on Monday I can see if there are some cancellations. Although calling to organise that seems like a lot of effort now.

@LeChuck beautiful input to the thread and welcome 

[LeChuck]

@EternalFlower being brave is never a mistake, amazing that you put yourself out there and spoke about your needs!