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Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

That's a great lead into the next question David -

How can carers set boundaries?

It seems like a few of us here tonight have made those boundaries - so feel free to share your tips aswell!

Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

my parents and I have told him countlessly that we love him, care for him and only want what's best which I do believe he understands. We don't know what more we can do to help.

Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

@bigsister - I think being compassionate and showing love consistently is a huge support.
So don't underestimate that.

Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

Setting boundaries....

I think the first thing we need to consider when setting bourndaries, is ask who are the bounadaries for. Are we setting boundaries for ourselves (I don't want to talk to you when you are intoxicated) or setting the boundary for the person (you will be able to make much more sense of our conversation if you are sober).

So the boundaries need to be clear. I think like any boundary, as like any goal we may set for ourselves, it needs to be flexible, but should also be a firm guideline. So a good idea might be to write down a set of guidelines and maybe have them somewhere where everyone can see them.

If it was me creating the boundaries and guidleines, I would also include myself in the responsibility of adhereing to them. So the example I have used of not talking while intoxicated, the guideline would also say something like "if you are intoxicated, I am not to encourage conversation or make any remarks either until you are sober. Only when you are sober can we both talk about this". That way the boundaries become sort of like a collaborative effort, and the person may be able to see that you are serious in doing this alongside them and with them.

You could even write something underneath each guideline, along the lines of "and we will both adhere to this guideline because we love each other"

Look at a boundary this way -  if the boundary is broken, then it's a really good chance to re-define the boundary, talk about why it's important ad start again. If the ersonis willing to try again, tell them how much comittment this actually shows.Remeber, addiction is a really difficult thing for everyone involved.

 

Re: Topic Tuesday / 21 July, 7pm AEST / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

My eldest son was 12 when we divorced and he went off the rails. Aged 13 he was drinking and smoking whatever he could get, pretty much daily. I wouldn't allow him to use drugs in my house so he chose to live with his father and I was powerless to help him or stop him from developing addictions. By the age of 15 he was drinking heavily and smoking a lot of dope and was very depressed and paranoid. For a few years I was really frightened he would suicide. People tried to reassure me that he would be ok; I felt they were being glib and naive, not understanding the seriousness of the situation. During this time he got his drivers license. After a drink-driving accident, in which thankfully no one was hurt,( he had to go to court, lost his license for 14 months) he finally stopped drinking for a long enough time to realise the seriousness of the effect that dope alone was having on him, then gave up dope for a time also. His outlook on life improved immensely, and though he started drinking and smoking again, it has never again been so extreme and he is no longer depressed or paranoid. When he was allowed to drive again, he had to have a breatho attached to his ignition so that if he's been drinking he can't start the car. This has been really helpful in limiting his drinking even more. Last year my younger son had a psychotic episode following heavy drug use, which has probably scared my eldest son off drug use even more. Now aged 20, he ( the older) is living independently, working, driving safely and enjoying life. He still drinks a bit on weekends, smokes cigs and even takes the occasional pill. But after smoking dope heavily through his teenage years he now has very little tolerance for marijuana. He has the occasional puff of someone's joint, only to realise all over again how much it disagrees with him. I guess people were right when they said he would be ok; then again, I think we're just lucky it didn't end up very badly. Those years honestly put me through the ringer emotionally. I was thrilled to read in the paper recently that the rate of under age drinking in Australia is becoming less. This is such good news.

Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

I would also like to tell everyone this. As family members of people in addiction, a big thing is to deal with it the best way you can. There is no magic formula, everyone's journey is different.

A little thing they ttaught me in rehab:

Accept the things you cann change

Have hte courage to change the things you can.

And look for wisdom to know the differences between the two.

 

And do everything out of love.

Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

Thanks David - boundaries can be really hard to set - but you make a great point about how to work with our loved one to develop these.

 

Putting your ARAFMI cap on, do you have any recommendations for organisations or services carers can reach out to?

One that comes to mind for me is Turning Point which has a lot of resrouces for carers and also a helpline for either us as carers or our loved one.

 

Anyone else have any recommendations?

Re: Topic Tuesday / 21 July, 7pm AEST / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

Thanks @Louise for sharing your story. It gives some hope to those of us who are so worried about our loved ones.

Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

Just a quick flag that there's 10 mins to go for tonight 🙂

Re: Topic Tuesday / *NOW OPEN* / Caring for someone who struggles with drugs or alcohol

Thanks @Hobbit,

Shared boundary setting plus "we will both adhere to the guidelines because we love each other".

Everybody on the one team. Very inspiring.

cheers,

Carer101.