Dealing with denial

[GivingMick]

It is very difficult to explain anything, when the one you love is in complete denial. Refusing to accept anything is wrong! The suggested advice here, is helpful indeed. Showing compassion, leads to an understanding for you and the person suffering. The saying ' it takes 2 to tango' comes to mind. If only it was as easy to take medication, and everything is fixed and goes away! I think a cognitive behaviour program is definitely a must to help your son. Being there and staying positive, will help you and him. Beginning again, starting to learn all over again can be hard.
I had problems with depression and anxiety, due to smoking weed and other factors in life. To get past that, I saw a counsellor. She started dealing with any anger issues, resolved by talking about any problems. Then anxiety, was dealt with by understanding it myself, and reading a book that refers to anxiety as 'IT'. Being more involved in society, and my family, I am overcoming depression. That is the hard part! Family, friends, and society problems don't help. But I use facebook, and have liked several positive and encouraging quote pages. They help me know what I am doing is right, and helps lead me in the right direction. I don't let it drag me down any more. To remain in a positive mindset, seeing which goal I want in the future, will lead to success for myself and my family!

[PeppiPatty]

' he has lost all empathy... You write.
Hello Countrymum, I totally think that ...call me the eternal optimist ....but this is something that he may have. Right down in the deep archives...we don't know how our feelings go until we really act on them.

This was his journey, can you turn the story around and see......by rewriting it in his light that he may be just too 'brain damaged,' to see that he is having to undamage his feelings bit by bit.....
I have had brain damage. I had no help from family for many years. I chose to work on it and get to where I am now. a bit slow. I am always having to learn to manage my own life.

carers per week or..whatever he wants is always a good start.
I have been a bad mum in the past. choosing to be there emotionally while caring for yourself can start whenever you choose. the sons age shouldn't matter.

[Camelia]

Thanks Countrymum for your story.  I am hearing similar stories from others, and am learning that I can only be helpful as long as I'm not being pulled down into a pit as well.  

Tough love is a tricky concept.  We thought it was tough love when we threw our son out before, but he ended up doing worse drugs than his usual weed, which led to his hospitalisation.  I suppose I could have continued the tough love and not brought him home on discharge, but that was too hard to think he would either have to stay in hospital or be let out to some other housing commssion situation with no-one there to care for him on a daily basis.  I thought this was going to be his turning point....

 Now our tough love is to not "enable" his drug use by not giving him lifts into town where he meets up with those so-called mates to get stoned.  Doesn't mean he doesn't do it, but it means we are not helping him to get stoned.

He still tries to convince us that weed is harmless - but to me he is a prime example of why young people shouldn't start smoking from a young age.  

I do believe that there is hope for him yet, but it is still a way off.  I'm not going to give him the EXCUSE of making a bigger mess of his life by chucking him out and then he BLAMES ME again.  Instead I am gently suggesting he go his own way if he doesn't like our values.  

We are working on "harm minimisation" for now as he is still only 6 weeks into his depot medication treatment.  I don't know what to hope for from the medication though.  At first he was as gentle as a lamb and I even got a few hugs, but now he is reverting back to his angry young man attitudes.  

I'd be interested to hear about any experience of depot medications and if it has helped.

[GivingMick]

I recommend something active. Constructive creativity : building, painting, gardening, writing, drawing. Or nature walks, fossicking, fishing, any sports. A change of scenery. Visiting relatives, markets, shopping in a different place than where he hangs with his mates. Reintegration slowly, into what you know was his normal likes of life, before drugs.
Keeping his mind active, and feeling wanted and included, would help greatly!

[JT]

Hi Camelia.

6 weeks in; I imagine he's feeling "cured" right about now which is an unfortunate normal reaction.  Not helpful I know  but we really don't get enough "normal" in our lives!!!!  My son would start to feel better and that was that he would refuse flatly to take any more and we'd slide back.  

Do you know of any dads groups around your area?  I'm just thinking back into my past life when I ran autism support groups.  More often than not they would be full of mums commenting that dad just didn't get it or wouldn't get it.  We started a men only group in an attempt to help them talk to each other about it.  

[Camelia]

Oh, how I've tried to get him to take an interest in something.... anything.... Until he stops getting stoned every day I can't see him doing anything. To get him to stop getting stoned is going to take a power greater than me. It's going to have to come from within himself.

[Camelia]

Seems to me the biggest and most important step is WANTING to be helped. Once that's in the mind, the rest can follow. Thanks for letting me know you are trying and are succeeding.

[JT]

That sums it up Camelia.  You can show or offer all the help in the world but if a person isn't ready to accept it you may as well be walking up the street on your hands singing xmas carols.  

[PeppiPatty]

I've enjoyed reading your messages. Your a good mum.

[Camelia]

Some good news....  son went to his ITO psychiatrist meeting 2 days ago.  He was told that if he tests clean at a drug test in 2 weeks time they will reduce his medication.  Son told me yesterday he is going to stay clean because he really wants to get off the meds, and a reduction is a good start.

HURRAY!!! I will have a son who is not stoned for at least 2 weeks!!!  I hope and pray that he'll find life so much more interesting and brighter.

Day 2 and already he is better and I think it's because he has a goal and purpose. 

It's a start....